Unjustifiable Divorce- What should a church do?

[Guest]

Christopher raised this point in another topic:

If churches don't deal with things like unjustifiable divorce then it's the height of hypocracy to take a political stand against homosexuality or marginalize a gay person in their church IMO.

This begs the question: How should a church deal with unjustifiable divorce?

1) for new people coming into the church
2) those established in the church
3) any other categories

TK

[Guest]

Hi TK,

Sorry, I almost forgot about this thread. I kind of feel obligated to give some sort of answer here since you started the thread based on one of my comments from the Gay Christian thread.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can give an answer that satisfies all the questions about this, but I’ll give it my best shot.

In my opinion, it’s a very complex issue because of the relational dynamics of marriage contrasted with the corporate and organizational dynamics of the modern church. Couple this with the fact that most people in our culture are so used to divorce as being normal, that there is a cognitive dissonance barrier to get over when someone is confronted with the idea that their divorce may actually be a sin in God’s eyes. Because of this, I think dealing with unjustifiable divorce may be a little trickier and take more time than your run of the mill obvious sin like fornication or blatant adultery.

My own opinion is that the issue needs to be dealt with more on a relational level rather than an organizational level (which is not to say the it shouldn't be the elders of the church). As Christians get to know each other, and discover certain things about each other (such as an unjustifiable divorce), my own thoughts are that it is to be approached delicately and prayerfully and with much counsel from others.

I’m kind of wimpy when it comes to the “thus saith the Bible” approach. It seems to me that more often than not, that approach ends up merely nuke-ing the relationship and destroying all avenues of helping bring someone to repentance. But I also think it’s too wimpy (and very irresponsible) to just ignore it altogether and pretend there is nothing to be addressed.

I’m most comfortable with asking pointed questions to people in hopes that the Holy Spirit works out the conviction in the heart of the person I’m confronting about some sin in their life. In our culture, I think a person owns the conviction more when it comes from within rather than imposed from another person. This is especially true if someone has no idea that they are in living in constant sin through and unjustified divorce and remarriage.

So I’m thinking of questions like:

What do you think it means to confess Jesus as Lord?

Is He still your Lord when He asks you to do something that doesn’t make sense to you or that you don’t agree with?

What do you think Jesus would say about divorce and remarriage in our day and age?

If Jesus were standing here right now and told you that your current marriage is adultery, what would you say to Him? What if He merely wrote it to you?

What do you think this verse means? (Matt 19:9)

Etc., Etc.


In my mind, it’s important to let people answer questions like these themselves and refrain (at first) from giving your own opinion on them. I think you'll know if they are being received or not. If they are truly seeking to submit to God, they will come up with the obvious answers. If not, then there are greater barriers to get over before they will believe that their divorce and remarriage is wrong.

I’m not sure the shunning thing would really work in our day and age. It’s too easy just to go to another church that doesn’t care about your sin.

Anyway, that’s the short of my opinion on this. For me, I have to take into consideration the culture and time we live in (that’s probably a weakness of mine ), and the level of commitment a Christian says they have. If they don't show signs of being totally committed to the Lordship of Christ, that's where they need to be before they will own a sin the rest of the culture winks at.

But that’s just where I’m at with this presently. Like I said, it's very complex IMO. And it’s one MAJOR reason I’m glad I’m not a church leader.

I suspect Steve would have a very different (and far better) point of view on this. Maybe he will chime in here.

Lord bless.

[Guest]

Christopher,

I can't remember a time when I have had a very different opinion from yours. This is no exception—especially with the statement about being glad not to be a church leader!

[Guest]

i think part of the problem is that a person (or a couple) may be part of a church body for a good while before we ever learn they were divorced, much less the circumstances of such.

at what point should we "pry," for lack of a better word?

TK

[Guest]

This may justify a separate thread, but I only just now wondered -- what do you think God's attitude is towards non-Christians who are married? In His eyes, are they even married? (regardless of whether it was a church wedding)

If not, then what about their divorce? Does he just see their marriages as fornication?

[Guest]

Hi TK,

I think it is the same as any other thing that we discover about other brothers and sisters that "bothers" us. If we have a relationship with them, I think it's very appropriate to pray about how to delicately approach them and ask their permission to ask them a "personal question". Then share honestly that something is bothering you about what you've discovered and go from there. If they are truly friends of and are truly committed to following Jesus, it should be received. I'm not saying it doesn't get a little bumpy.

I've shared this before, but when I was a new Christian, my girlfriend (who is now my wife) and I ... well let's just say we were not yet committed to purity and we justified it by telling ourselves we would one day be married. A Christian brother of mine, whom I had a long term friendship with before either of us knew the Lord, learned of it and it grieved him. He called me one day to gently and humbly explain how he was struggling with how to tell me my actions were inappropriate for a Christian. I didn't immediately receive his counsel (I was very motivated to justify myself in this you understand) but I did appreciate his non-confrontational approach. After a few weeks of the Holy Spirit really working on me about what he said, I finally repented and we decided to stay pure from here on out until we were married. I called my friend to tell him he was right and that I appreciated his courage in bringing that to my attention.

It's risky, but sometimes it needs to be done. In my opinion, The Holy Spirit does all the real work, we are just to be obedient to give his message of conviction words.

Lord bless.

[Guest]

Steve,
Thanks for your kind words. I just thought that maybe you would have a little more assertive approach than mine. I still see mine as kind of soft and wimpy. But now that I think of it, I don't remember if I've ever heard you say how you would approach someone on this, just that it should be done.

BTW, about a year and a half ago, I helped someone who was struggling through this very issue using the very principles you outlined in your essay on it. He was committed to leaving his current wife (of over 10 years) and kids if that was what the Lord wanted him to do. After working through the details, both of their former spouses had remarried therefore closing the door on reconciliation. He was relieved to know that his current marriage could stay intact. They both went through a process of expressing repentance and asking forgiveness.

I suspect that the vast majority of cases, when fleshed out, are just like this one, where the door for reconciliation has been closed. But I think it's very important for people to own that sin anyways, and go through the cleansing process of repentance and seeking forgiveness.

Thank you for publishing your thoughtful (and extremely helpful) work on this topic.

[Guest]

Hi Darin,

This may justify a separate thread, but I only just now wondered -- what do you think God's attitude is towards non-Christians who are married? In His eyes, are they even married? (regardless of whether it was a church wedding)

If not, then what about their divorce? Does he just see their marriages as fornication?

I think there is a thread on this subject already. Not sure where it is though.

[Guest]

Christopher raised this point in another topic:

If churches don't deal with things like unjustifiable divorce then it's the height of hypocracy to take a political stand against homosexuality or marginalize a gay person in their church IMO.

This begs the question: How should a church deal with unjustifiable divorce?

1) for new people coming into the church
2) those established in the church
3) any other categories

TK

I think it is a shame on the Church that the values within have shrunk so far and been so badly compromised that those in the Early Church wouldn't reconize todays church. You can't act, when the Church itself seems to constantly divorce within. I am speaking of course of church splits and divisions.