Compatibility Considerations Before Marriage
Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 11:09 am
One factor in choosing to marry a given individual is, of course, feelings of exclusive love for that person. However, something that is at least equally important in predicting future happiness in marriage is the question of "compatibility." The ads on the radio for "E-Harmony.com" are always emphasizing this fact. While I have never seen the criteria they use for determining compatibility, I made my own list for evaluation, several years ago, when it became clear that my wife was not returning (i.e., when she remarried). I realized that there were many areas she and I had not explored prior to marriage, which might have given us pause during courtship, before moving forward to marriage. I thought I might post this for the benefit of single people evaluating the wisdom of marriage to any particular potential spouse.
The list covers almost every area of potential friction caused by incompatibility. Some things are of very little consequence, while others may be deal-breakers. The main thing is to consider as many of these things as possible, realistically, before deciding to marry, since, in a lifetime of marriage, the emotional love felt during courtship can wear pretty thin where there are significant areas of incompatibility and too little grace in the relationship (where marriage has already taken place, and there are significant areas of incompatibility, what is needed is much grace).
So as not to give the wrong impression, the following are simply categories for consideration. I would not expect that a couple must be just alike in all the categories. The idea is to be able to assess what degree of difference there may be between two parties, before they decide to marry, and to evaluate how important (how negotiable) each difference may be with each of the parties.
For example, on the category, "Sleep patterns (“morning person” or “night person”?)," a couple may find that one is an early-riser and the other a night-owl. This could lead to serious conflicts in marriage—e.g., if one wants morning devotions (or early walks, or early breakfast) to be an important part of their daily routine together and the other prefers to sleep till noon. On the other hand, this difference in sleeping preferences may be very negotiable in the minds of both parties, and may present no serious difficulty whatsoever. A couple would do well to assess these things as objectively as possible before becoming betrothed.
A question like, "Sleep with the windows open or windows shut," may seem a very petty thing, and a difference on the matter may be entirely negotiable for both parties or either party (it only requires one party's flexibility to overcome a difference like this). Yet, I have known more than one case of unmarried roommates who found that they could not sleep in the same room because of such a minor difference. It is a good thing, in those cases, that the roommates were not married couples.
Some categories, like "sexual preferences" will, hopefully, be impossible for young, unmarried people to answer. However, those who have been previously married, or in physical relationships, may know of areas of incompatibility in this area that they would not find tolerable in a future marriage.
This list of categories calls for a high level of objectivity in their assessment. One should remember that present feelings of infatuation will tend to make one think, "Well, we are not very much alike on this point, but I love him/her so much that I am sure I will find no difficulty being flexible." I would simply remind those thinking this way that every couple felt a similar "in-loveness" at the time of their courtship, but in about 50% of marriages, areas of perceived incompatibility have caused one spouse or the other to decide that they have been flexible long enough, and to give up on the relationship.
Since there can be no greater spiritual failure than to break one's marriage vows, and since many find that keeping those vows becomes very excruciating after years of marriage, because of areas of perceived incompatibility, one would do well to make as objective as possible an assessment of these factors as early-on as possible in any relationship that looks like it has marriage potential.
Remember, too, that opposites often attract. However, the areas of difference that attract early-on, may become the occasions of irritation in the course of fifty years of marriage. The shy introvert might find the "life of the party" to be intriguing, but, after ten years, may tire of their spouse's incessant domination of every conversation.
Even where a married couple decides that they are very "incompatible" in many areas, they are not free to divorce. Therefore, remaining faithful to God and to one's vows can be very difficult, where wisdom has not guided the decision about whom one is to marry. I believe that the considerations suggested in the following list may prevent someone from making a very painful mistake.
The list can be used by individuals considering a partner, or by those in a position to counsel unmarried couples (e.g. their parents, pastors, etc.). I suggest taking the list very slowly, and giving individual consideration to each item.
...................................
Compatibility Considerations
This is a list of categories that would seem wise to explore while getting to know any prospective mate. Differences along these lines would need to be evaluated to determine whether they would be inconsequential, whether they would simply create irritations, or whether they would doom a relationship.
The idea is to determine the level of compatibility existing between potential partners, as a predictor of the likelihood of their marital happiness together. After discussion of each issue, rate compatibility in each category on a scale of -3 to +3, as follows:
-3 =intolerable; deal-breaker
-2 = cause for serious concern
-1 = an irritant, but not serious
0 = not an issue; doesn’t even register as relevant
+1 = a similarity, but not a very important similarity
+2 = a significant similarity; very encouraging
+3 = a perfect match
On separate sheets, keep notes explaining the reasons for the high or low rating of each category.
1. Theology of marriage
____Understanding of the purpose of marriage
____Expectations of marriage
____Husband’s and wife’s roles
____Understanding of unique challenges faced by the opposite sex
____Child rearing philosophy
____Jealousy threshold
____Relation to “friends” of the opposite sex
____Relation to grown children (from previous relationships) and other relatives
____Relation to former spouses & “significant others”
____Theology and attitude concerning divorce
2. Character & Christian Maturity
____Admirable or embarrassing to be with?
____Guiding principles and values of life
____Character strengths
____Character weaknesses
____Consistency & sensitivity of conscience
____Willingness to suffer for principle
____Self-denial and willingness to yield
____Servant attitude
____Integrity/loyalty/faithfulness
____Considerateness and compassion
____Humility & openness to correction
____Generosity
____A forgiving disposition
____Moodiness
____Anger/patience
____Violent tendencies?
____Fearfulness/courage
____Vanity & self-absorption
3. Lifestyle preferences
____Trusting God (money? birth control? health?)
____Preferred standard of living
____Preference for rural, urban or suburban setting
____Preference for indoor or outdoor activity
____Desire for Privacy
____Emphasis on food and meals
____Degree of health-consciousness
____Take supplements?
____Exercise regularly?
____Sleep patterns (“morning” or “night person”?)
____Tidy or disorganized
____Like or dislike of travel
____Use of leisure
____Attachment to Pets
____Social life
____Church involvement and religious activity
4. Finances
____Attitude toward wealth and material things
____Spending priorities
____Thriftiness/Giving/Savings priorities
____Attitude toward buying on credit
____Does he/she have existing debt?
____Proclivity to worry about finances
5. Personal Tastes
____Taste in home furnishings
____Taste in family cars
____Taste in music styles
____Taste in reading
____Taste in entertainment
____Taste in humor
____Taste in friends
____Taste in foods
____Taste in clothes, hairstyles, facial hair
____Taste regarding cosmetics, jewelry and perfumes
6. Communication issues
____Conversation styles
____honesty & transparency
____analytical or emotive
____vocabulary (too limited or too erudite?)
____clarity of expression (or lack thereof)
____dialogue or filibuster style
____habit of interrupting
____desire to understand & empathize
____use of sarcasm
____volume and tone of voice
____handling differences of opinion
____Nonverbal communication
____Uncommunicative when irritated?
____His/her reaction to your silence
____Dominant love languages: (e.g., words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch)
____Conflict resolution: willingness & style
7. Health issues
____Chronic or recurring conditions
____Hormonal issues
____Trauma issues
____Dependence on medications
____Dependence on health care system
____Dependence on therapists, support groups (e.g., twelve-steps), counseling, etc.
____Attitude toward medical interventions
____Philosophy concerning health insurance
8. Doctrinal commitments
____Level of biblical literacy
____Level of theological savvy
____His/her “non-negotiables” list
____Ability to distinguish between “weightier” and “lesser “matters
____Love of truth
____Reverence for Scripture
____Doctrinal humility & a teachable spirit
9. Devotional life
____Personal testimony of conversion
____Enjoyment and practice of communion with God
____Thirst for God
____Faith in God
____Prayer life
____Fear of God
____Love for God
____Delight in the Lord
10. Physical attraction, affection & sex
____Long-term mutual attraction (Do I want to look at this person for the rest of my life?)
____Attitudes concerning sex —positive or negative
____Repercussions of previous sexual experiences
____Enjoyment of physical touch
____Preferred frequency of sex in marriage
____Passion and libido levels
____Sexual styles and preferences
____Birth control convictions and preferences
11. Political leanings
____Conservative or liberal
____Active or disinterested
____Attitude toward freedom and human rights
____Attitude toward government
____Attitude toward patriotism
12. Personal vision and future goals
____Clear or undefined?
____Spiritual or worldly ambitions?
____Driven or resigned to God’s plans?
____Personal way of defining “success” or “accomplishment”
13. Background
____Cultural/ethnic background
____Birth-home environment
____Christian parents?
____Raised with one parent, two, or none?
____Siblings, birth order
____Raised with discipline or pampered and spoiled?
____Traumatic experiences in youth?
____Converted at what age?
____What kind of role models were parents?
____His/her early attitudes about God and morality
____Early spiritual experiences (including demonic)
____Education
____Premarital sexual experiences (if any)
____Previous marriages?
____Biblically free to remarry?
____Baggage from previous relationships?
14. Personality
____extrovert or introvert
____bombastic or self-effacing
____intellectual or shallow
____pensive or chatty
____engaging or boring
____leader or follower
____loner or people-person
____obsessive or easygoing
____humorous or serious
____mannerisms
____Irritating or pleasant laugh
____quirky stuff?
15. Habits and hobbies
____substance abuse, past or present
____driving style
____stimulation-boredom threshold (addiction to entertainment?)
____ways of managing boredom
____adventurous/dangerous stuff (sky-diving, bungee-jumping, rock-climbing, etc.)
____special interests
16. Skills, talents and aptitudes
____a good cook?
____an interior decorator?
____good at sports?
____good at household repairs?
____good at automotive repairs?
____a chess player
____a musician?
____a singer?
____an artist?
____good at his/her trade?
____good at math?
____good bookkeeper?
____good money manager?
____good shopper
____memory for details
____remembers names and faces?
____good writer?
____public speaker?
____good debater?
____good problem solver?
____good counselor?
____good nurturer?
____good caregiver?
____good lover?
____good judge of character?
____intuitive?
____good sense of style?
The list covers almost every area of potential friction caused by incompatibility. Some things are of very little consequence, while others may be deal-breakers. The main thing is to consider as many of these things as possible, realistically, before deciding to marry, since, in a lifetime of marriage, the emotional love felt during courtship can wear pretty thin where there are significant areas of incompatibility and too little grace in the relationship (where marriage has already taken place, and there are significant areas of incompatibility, what is needed is much grace).
So as not to give the wrong impression, the following are simply categories for consideration. I would not expect that a couple must be just alike in all the categories. The idea is to be able to assess what degree of difference there may be between two parties, before they decide to marry, and to evaluate how important (how negotiable) each difference may be with each of the parties.
For example, on the category, "Sleep patterns (“morning person” or “night person”?)," a couple may find that one is an early-riser and the other a night-owl. This could lead to serious conflicts in marriage—e.g., if one wants morning devotions (or early walks, or early breakfast) to be an important part of their daily routine together and the other prefers to sleep till noon. On the other hand, this difference in sleeping preferences may be very negotiable in the minds of both parties, and may present no serious difficulty whatsoever. A couple would do well to assess these things as objectively as possible before becoming betrothed.
A question like, "Sleep with the windows open or windows shut," may seem a very petty thing, and a difference on the matter may be entirely negotiable for both parties or either party (it only requires one party's flexibility to overcome a difference like this). Yet, I have known more than one case of unmarried roommates who found that they could not sleep in the same room because of such a minor difference. It is a good thing, in those cases, that the roommates were not married couples.
Some categories, like "sexual preferences" will, hopefully, be impossible for young, unmarried people to answer. However, those who have been previously married, or in physical relationships, may know of areas of incompatibility in this area that they would not find tolerable in a future marriage.
This list of categories calls for a high level of objectivity in their assessment. One should remember that present feelings of infatuation will tend to make one think, "Well, we are not very much alike on this point, but I love him/her so much that I am sure I will find no difficulty being flexible." I would simply remind those thinking this way that every couple felt a similar "in-loveness" at the time of their courtship, but in about 50% of marriages, areas of perceived incompatibility have caused one spouse or the other to decide that they have been flexible long enough, and to give up on the relationship.
Since there can be no greater spiritual failure than to break one's marriage vows, and since many find that keeping those vows becomes very excruciating after years of marriage, because of areas of perceived incompatibility, one would do well to make as objective as possible an assessment of these factors as early-on as possible in any relationship that looks like it has marriage potential.
Remember, too, that opposites often attract. However, the areas of difference that attract early-on, may become the occasions of irritation in the course of fifty years of marriage. The shy introvert might find the "life of the party" to be intriguing, but, after ten years, may tire of their spouse's incessant domination of every conversation.
Even where a married couple decides that they are very "incompatible" in many areas, they are not free to divorce. Therefore, remaining faithful to God and to one's vows can be very difficult, where wisdom has not guided the decision about whom one is to marry. I believe that the considerations suggested in the following list may prevent someone from making a very painful mistake.
The list can be used by individuals considering a partner, or by those in a position to counsel unmarried couples (e.g. their parents, pastors, etc.). I suggest taking the list very slowly, and giving individual consideration to each item.
...................................
Compatibility Considerations
This is a list of categories that would seem wise to explore while getting to know any prospective mate. Differences along these lines would need to be evaluated to determine whether they would be inconsequential, whether they would simply create irritations, or whether they would doom a relationship.
The idea is to determine the level of compatibility existing between potential partners, as a predictor of the likelihood of their marital happiness together. After discussion of each issue, rate compatibility in each category on a scale of -3 to +3, as follows:
-3 =intolerable; deal-breaker
-2 = cause for serious concern
-1 = an irritant, but not serious
0 = not an issue; doesn’t even register as relevant
+1 = a similarity, but not a very important similarity
+2 = a significant similarity; very encouraging
+3 = a perfect match
On separate sheets, keep notes explaining the reasons for the high or low rating of each category.
1. Theology of marriage
____Understanding of the purpose of marriage
____Expectations of marriage
____Husband’s and wife’s roles
____Understanding of unique challenges faced by the opposite sex
____Child rearing philosophy
____Jealousy threshold
____Relation to “friends” of the opposite sex
____Relation to grown children (from previous relationships) and other relatives
____Relation to former spouses & “significant others”
____Theology and attitude concerning divorce
2. Character & Christian Maturity
____Admirable or embarrassing to be with?
____Guiding principles and values of life
____Character strengths
____Character weaknesses
____Consistency & sensitivity of conscience
____Willingness to suffer for principle
____Self-denial and willingness to yield
____Servant attitude
____Integrity/loyalty/faithfulness
____Considerateness and compassion
____Humility & openness to correction
____Generosity
____A forgiving disposition
____Moodiness
____Anger/patience
____Violent tendencies?
____Fearfulness/courage
____Vanity & self-absorption
3. Lifestyle preferences
____Trusting God (money? birth control? health?)
____Preferred standard of living
____Preference for rural, urban or suburban setting
____Preference for indoor or outdoor activity
____Desire for Privacy
____Emphasis on food and meals
____Degree of health-consciousness
____Take supplements?
____Exercise regularly?
____Sleep patterns (“morning” or “night person”?)
____Tidy or disorganized
____Like or dislike of travel
____Use of leisure
____Attachment to Pets
____Social life
____Church involvement and religious activity
4. Finances
____Attitude toward wealth and material things
____Spending priorities
____Thriftiness/Giving/Savings priorities
____Attitude toward buying on credit
____Does he/she have existing debt?
____Proclivity to worry about finances
5. Personal Tastes
____Taste in home furnishings
____Taste in family cars
____Taste in music styles
____Taste in reading
____Taste in entertainment
____Taste in humor
____Taste in friends
____Taste in foods
____Taste in clothes, hairstyles, facial hair
____Taste regarding cosmetics, jewelry and perfumes
6. Communication issues
____Conversation styles
____honesty & transparency
____analytical or emotive
____vocabulary (too limited or too erudite?)
____clarity of expression (or lack thereof)
____dialogue or filibuster style
____habit of interrupting
____desire to understand & empathize
____use of sarcasm
____volume and tone of voice
____handling differences of opinion
____Nonverbal communication
____Uncommunicative when irritated?
____His/her reaction to your silence
____Dominant love languages: (e.g., words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch)
____Conflict resolution: willingness & style
7. Health issues
____Chronic or recurring conditions
____Hormonal issues
____Trauma issues
____Dependence on medications
____Dependence on health care system
____Dependence on therapists, support groups (e.g., twelve-steps), counseling, etc.
____Attitude toward medical interventions
____Philosophy concerning health insurance
8. Doctrinal commitments
____Level of biblical literacy
____Level of theological savvy
____His/her “non-negotiables” list
____Ability to distinguish between “weightier” and “lesser “matters
____Love of truth
____Reverence for Scripture
____Doctrinal humility & a teachable spirit
9. Devotional life
____Personal testimony of conversion
____Enjoyment and practice of communion with God
____Thirst for God
____Faith in God
____Prayer life
____Fear of God
____Love for God
____Delight in the Lord
10. Physical attraction, affection & sex
____Long-term mutual attraction (Do I want to look at this person for the rest of my life?)
____Attitudes concerning sex —positive or negative
____Repercussions of previous sexual experiences
____Enjoyment of physical touch
____Preferred frequency of sex in marriage
____Passion and libido levels
____Sexual styles and preferences
____Birth control convictions and preferences
11. Political leanings
____Conservative or liberal
____Active or disinterested
____Attitude toward freedom and human rights
____Attitude toward government
____Attitude toward patriotism
12. Personal vision and future goals
____Clear or undefined?
____Spiritual or worldly ambitions?
____Driven or resigned to God’s plans?
____Personal way of defining “success” or “accomplishment”
13. Background
____Cultural/ethnic background
____Birth-home environment
____Christian parents?
____Raised with one parent, two, or none?
____Siblings, birth order
____Raised with discipline or pampered and spoiled?
____Traumatic experiences in youth?
____Converted at what age?
____What kind of role models were parents?
____His/her early attitudes about God and morality
____Early spiritual experiences (including demonic)
____Education
____Premarital sexual experiences (if any)
____Previous marriages?
____Biblically free to remarry?
____Baggage from previous relationships?
14. Personality
____extrovert or introvert
____bombastic or self-effacing
____intellectual or shallow
____pensive or chatty
____engaging or boring
____leader or follower
____loner or people-person
____obsessive or easygoing
____humorous or serious
____mannerisms
____Irritating or pleasant laugh
____quirky stuff?
15. Habits and hobbies
____substance abuse, past or present
____driving style
____stimulation-boredom threshold (addiction to entertainment?)
____ways of managing boredom
____adventurous/dangerous stuff (sky-diving, bungee-jumping, rock-climbing, etc.)
____special interests
16. Skills, talents and aptitudes
____a good cook?
____an interior decorator?
____good at sports?
____good at household repairs?
____good at automotive repairs?
____a chess player
____a musician?
____a singer?
____an artist?
____good at his/her trade?
____good at math?
____good bookkeeper?
____good money manager?
____good shopper
____memory for details
____remembers names and faces?
____good writer?
____public speaker?
____good debater?
____good problem solver?
____good counselor?
____good nurturer?
____good caregiver?
____good lover?
____good judge of character?
____intuitive?
____good sense of style?