Thoughts on Parenting
Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2022 2:39 pm
My wife and I have five kids, four are on their own, and our youngest, who is 27, is still at home, primarily because it is so expensive to live alone. He has a decent job, but it still would be tough without roommates, which he is not wanting. Anyway, this probably goes without saying, but we made tons of mistakes when we were raising our children, and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I certainly do not mean by that, that I now know all the answers. I DON'T. But I can share some things. Two HUGE mistakes that we made were: 1. Getting angry at them A LOT and 2. Yelling at them A LOT. Maybe others here on the forum could share their insights.
Here is a common scene: I see toddlers throwing tantrums in the grocery store, and young mothers who look exhausted, frustrated, embarrassed, and not knowing what to do. Often they have one or two other kids with them as well. It seems clear to me (NOW, not so much back then, when we were going through similar things) that the "guilty" child should not be allowed to get away with that. He(she) MUST learn (in a loving way) that that behavior will not be tolerated or accepted. Our remedy back then? Take the kids to the car or some private place, spank the kid, and then try to resume your shopping. Spanking was our go-to solution. We spanked way too much. Sadly, the spanking was often done in anger. One pastor at our church even recommended spanking a baby in a crib to teach them to obey! We NEVER did that and I cringe to even think about it now. I believe now that spanking should be quite rare in raising kids, not totally absent, but that other means should be used to discipline our kids.
Now, today, if I was that young mom, I would tell the kids before even entering the store what is expected of them - that their mom is ONLY getting certain things, and if they LOUDLY complain about not getting something else, or if they fight with their siblings, or basically throw a tantrum, that I will leave the store and take them home as soon as possible. Then, after leaving I would tell (NOT YELL AT)the tantrum thrower that he will not be allowed to go to the store the next time, because he hasn't learned how to behave properly there. Then have your spouse, or your sister or your friend or your parents, etc. watch him while you go to the store yourself or with the other kids. The KEY here is that whoever is watching the tantrum thrower must make his stay as BORING (and maybe even unpleasant, but NOT mean) as possible, at least during the time that you are gone (this might be hard with loving grandparents), so that he will REALLY WISH that he could have gone to the store too. If he is having fun while you're at the store, then he'll never want to go to the store, and your purpose of teaching him has failed. On the other hand, the person watching him should NOT think that it is their duty to punish him, while his mom is at the store. His "punishment" is not going with mom, NOT any additional thing that the person watching him wants to do.
The bottom line is that he must learn that the only way he is going to the store with his mom is if he behaves. Otherwise, forget it. Their stubborn will MUST be challenged and CROSSED, but in a calm and loving way. Obviously, if the kid is screaming at the store because he got physically hurt, then there is NO punishment for being loud, just compassion and care.
Here is a common scene: I see toddlers throwing tantrums in the grocery store, and young mothers who look exhausted, frustrated, embarrassed, and not knowing what to do. Often they have one or two other kids with them as well. It seems clear to me (NOW, not so much back then, when we were going through similar things) that the "guilty" child should not be allowed to get away with that. He(she) MUST learn (in a loving way) that that behavior will not be tolerated or accepted. Our remedy back then? Take the kids to the car or some private place, spank the kid, and then try to resume your shopping. Spanking was our go-to solution. We spanked way too much. Sadly, the spanking was often done in anger. One pastor at our church even recommended spanking a baby in a crib to teach them to obey! We NEVER did that and I cringe to even think about it now. I believe now that spanking should be quite rare in raising kids, not totally absent, but that other means should be used to discipline our kids.
Now, today, if I was that young mom, I would tell the kids before even entering the store what is expected of them - that their mom is ONLY getting certain things, and if they LOUDLY complain about not getting something else, or if they fight with their siblings, or basically throw a tantrum, that I will leave the store and take them home as soon as possible. Then, after leaving I would tell (NOT YELL AT)the tantrum thrower that he will not be allowed to go to the store the next time, because he hasn't learned how to behave properly there. Then have your spouse, or your sister or your friend or your parents, etc. watch him while you go to the store yourself or with the other kids. The KEY here is that whoever is watching the tantrum thrower must make his stay as BORING (and maybe even unpleasant, but NOT mean) as possible, at least during the time that you are gone (this might be hard with loving grandparents), so that he will REALLY WISH that he could have gone to the store too. If he is having fun while you're at the store, then he'll never want to go to the store, and your purpose of teaching him has failed. On the other hand, the person watching him should NOT think that it is their duty to punish him, while his mom is at the store. His "punishment" is not going with mom, NOT any additional thing that the person watching him wants to do.
The bottom line is that he must learn that the only way he is going to the store with his mom is if he behaves. Otherwise, forget it. Their stubborn will MUST be challenged and CROSSED, but in a calm and loving way. Obviously, if the kid is screaming at the store because he got physically hurt, then there is NO punishment for being loud, just compassion and care.