The Narrow Path Ministries

The father of one of my closest friends committed suicide this past week. He was an accomplished attorney in town, and was as committed a community and bible study leader as one can imagine. He was devoted to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), and was a committed discussion leader for about 12 years. In all respects, he was admired, and he embodied everything that the "institutional church" values.

I have heard (and agree with) Steve's position that a believer can commit suicide, and that (though still a sin) it probably does not necessarily result in ultimate apostasy merely because one lacks the ability to repent and confess. This is not the nature of my inquiry or post.

The circumstances of his death have caused some of the most dedicated and genuine believers I know have doubt and confusion as to how such a thing can happen to a Christian. As unexpected as it truly was in light of what by all appearances was a strong and happy man, it didn't come as such a shock to me as it apparently did to so many of my brethren. I would appreciate your thoughts. Several things strike me:

• (1) it is in some measure a result of bad theology -- Steve says Calvinism is not that important as things go, but I do believe that the doctrine of "perseverance of the saints" ("P" in TULIP) can influence how you view the responsibilities and need of the church in making sure there is first and foremost the kind of koinonia fellowship and support and encouragement to "be there" for our brother in these times. This to me partially explains the church's failure (if there was one) and also the confusion of the believers that a man could be such a servant and still be in such despair.
  
  (2) the values of the church (as evidenced in his eulogy) valued this man's service and commitment as some indication of his faithfulness and spiritual maturity.
  
  (3) the memorial service failed to address the issue of his suicide. The well-intended minister who gave the sermon spoke of God's unending love and the peace and comfort of the spirit in the believer, and suggested Christ would never leave us -- he even ended with a recitation of the "believers' prayer." What really got me was the perception of the largely unbelieving audience of local attorneys who were no doubt already antagonistic towards the faith -- to my mind, it was such a tremendous opportunity to explain the sometimes complex and very human walk with our sovereign Lord and the need to be vigilant with our faith, our reliance on the Spirit, and the need to watch our brothers and lift them up in their time of need. If I was an even partially-skeptic unbeliever attorney sitting in that pew, I would have laughed openly and asked what good your so-called "god" and your so-called "fellowship" of comforting brethren is if it can't rescue a man from ending his own life out of the despair of life circumstances. What could bring a man that exemplifies every virtue of your so-called faith to such a state? Well, to my mind, they would be right in criticizing the misplaced values of the modern church -- it is, indeed, just this sort of leadership and virtue and service and outward appearance that the church appears to seek and train. However, what they so often fail to appreciate (and we did nothing to illuminate) is the difference between the outward appearance and churchiosity and that of the believer walking in the Spirit and what can happen when we fail to do so.

I would appreciate any words of encouragement you can give me or suggestions on how I can send this message to my fellow church leaders and friends without being a mere contrarian -- my heart breaks at how much we value the edifice of "doing church" over the true fellowship of believers.

At the same time, my church is asking me to participate in some "Leadership Training" programs (though I have already been leading throughout the church for a good many years) -- this has me quite bitter and makes me reluctant to receive "instruction" from an institution that is in need of what the Holy Spirit has to offer instead of man's wisdom in management training and directed study abusing scripture to turn men into the type of leaders they seek instead of trusting in the HS to guide and direct the fellowship. Am I taking this too far? It's clearly an emotional time and I'm having difficulty discerning the Holy Spirit in this decision.

Hi Darin,

What a sad thing for you to go through. I will remember this man's friends and family in my prayers. It is always difficult when someone dies and it seems to us he dies before his time. How much worse it is when it's by his own hand. I think it is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I'm not a great thinker like others here are, and maybe some of them will address your concerns better, but in the meantime here are my thoughts:

(1) it is in some measure a result of bad theology -- Steve says Calvinism is not that important as things go, but I do believe that the doctrine of "perseverance of the saints" ("P" in TULIP) can influence how you view the responsibilities and need of the church in making sure there is first and foremost the kind of koinonia fellowship and support and encouragement to "be there" for our brother in these times. This to me partially explains the church's failure (if there was one) and also the confusion of the believers that a man could be such a servant and still be in such despair.

I suppose it is natural to want to look for places to lay the blame for a tragedy such as this; I'm not sure Calvinism is the culprit here, however. You seem to be saying that because they believe in the "perseverance of the saints," the natural outcome might be that they would neglect to build each other up and to encourage and support each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. I think that is unfair. I've heard people make similar comments about evangelism because if the elect are predestined, why bother preaching the gospel? I think that Calvinists would answer that they preach because it is commanded to do so. The same would be true for the obligation to love and care about the brethren.

I think the confusion about a man being such a servant, and yet in such despair, just shows how easy it is to put the best face on when you need to. I don't know how people in real Christian fellowship can fail to notice the suffering below the surface, but I'm also not sure how much real fellowship happens in modern churches anyway.

(2) the values of the church (as evidenced in his eulogy) valued this man's service and commitment as some indication of his faithfulness and spiritual maturity.

Isn't that sad? Service and commitment to church programs are easy enough to do. Look at how many leaders steeped in sin are able to pull it off for years. Think about how this poor man was able to do it, even though he must have been already dying inside. Too bad that church doesn't look for the fruit of the Spirit as marks of spiritual maturity.

(3) the memorial service failed to address the issue of his suicide. The well-intended minister who gave the sermon spoke of God's unending love and the peace and comfort of the spirit in the believer, and suggested Christ would never leave us -- he even ended with a recitation of the "believers' prayer." What really got me was the perception of the largely unbelieving audience of local attorneys who were no doubt already antagonistic towards the faith -- to my mind, it was such a tremendous opportunity to explain the sometimes complex and very human walk with our sovereign Lord and the need to be vigilant with our faith, our reliance on the Spirit, and the need to watch our brothers and lift them up in their time of need. If I was an even partially-skeptic unbeliever attorney sitting in that pew, I would have laughed openly and asked what good your so-called "god" and your so-called "fellowship" of comforting brethren is if it can't rescue a man from ending his own life out of the despair of life circumstances. What could bring a man that exemplifies every virtue of your so-called faith to such a state? Well, to my mind, they would be right in criticizing the misplaced values of the modern church -- it is, indeed, just this sort of leadership and virtue and service and outward appearance that the church appears to seek and train. However, what they so often fail to appreciate (and we did nothing to illuminate) is the difference between the outward appearance and churchiosity and that of the believer walking in the Spirit and what can happen when we fail to do so.

I think you sort of fell into a rant here, not that I blame you. I would probably have a little more compassion on the poor pastor -- it must be a very hard to do a service for a friend, someone who you considered a committed servant, who has died in such a way. It seems like it is hard enough to hit the right note when any Christian who is well known in the larger community dies. I'm also pretty sure that any of the attorneys who felt critical of the church were going to be critical anyway, no matter what the minister said. It might be unnecessarily cruel to the grieving family and friends to point out that perhaps this man was failing to walk in the Spirit and that the church failed to notice this.

I would appreciate any words of encouragement you can give me or suggestions on how I can send this message to my fellow church leaders and friends without being a mere contrarian -- my heart breaks at how much we value the edifice of "doing church" over the true fellowship of believers.

It breaks my heart, as well. I tend to hate confrontation, however, and avoid it at all cost, so I'm not very good at giving advice on how to go about it. Would it be encouraging to tell you that it seems like you are filled with patience and compassion, and that you seem to want to do what is right and true?

At the same time, my church is asking me to participate in some "Leadership Training" programs (though I have already been leading throughout the church for a good many years) -- this has me quite bitter and makes me reluctant to receive "instruction" from an institution that is in need of what the Holy Spirit has to offer instead of man's wisdom in management training and directed study abusing scripture to turn men into the type of leaders they seek instead of trusting in the HS to guide and direct the fellowship. Am I taking this too far? It's clearly an emotional time and I'm having difficulty discerning the Holy Spirit in this decision.

I'll pray that the Lord would guide you in making this decision. The way you laid it out, it sounds like something to avoid. You said you are in a highly emotional state right now (not surprising) so maybe your judgement is impaired.

Hang in there, Darin. God bless you.

Hey, I’m sorry about the loss. Hopefully God will lead you to some verses that aid in understanding the situation. I would just like to comment on the sermon given in front of those lawyers. If people hear spiritual things and they are not Christian, they will always think it is foolish. In my opinion, there really is no point in trying to make it sound logical, because it never will. Unbelievers are unredeemed and controlled by Satan (Eph 2:1-3). If a person has a one shot opportunity to talk about God in front of unbelievers, it must always the gospel with sin, righteousness and death.

As Paul stated in Romans 1:16, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God unto salvation”. Logically sound arguments are not going to convert a person and make it reasonable. The only way Christianity will ever become logical is after a person is converted and that only occurs through the power of the gospel as presented in the Bible. I personally believe that it would be completely unfaithful to Jesus Christ to waste an opportunity to preach the gospel for anything else.

As Paul stated to the Corinthians, “For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified . . . my message and preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom”.

If people express that you’re stupid for being a Christian, and I’m sure there’s some, rejoice because your reward is great in heaven. (Matt. 5:11-12)

Darin, I too am sad for this to have happened. My thought arises that how could a man take his life? How can one reach such dispair in his life that his personal experience does not come through and instead of waiting it out he takes his life? I wonder if it truly was suicide or was it a murder that looked like a suicide? These things come to mind because it is so un-natural to take ones own life even though it happens everyday.

People are left at a loss over these things and those left behind suffer the most. My thoughts and prayers are with all concerned.