Advice on how to help a weak/hurting brother?

[ryan]

Hi everyone,

I've had a situation arise recently, and I was hoping to get some insight from everyone. I hope that I can summarize things in a way that they make sense.

Let me set the scene: There is a family that has been at my church for as long as I've been around. The brother that I'm concerned for is probably 15 years or so my elder, is married with a couple daughters that are both 20+. One daughter still lives at home, and has some slight developmental disabilities... nothing too major, but they do exist. Also, she had a lot of health problems as a child. The other daughter is married with a child, and this child has some genetic issues that caused her to have developmental disabilities, seizures, etc.

This brother has a history, really as long as I've known him, of being "up" and then "down" so to speak on a regular basis. He'll either be flying high in his spiritual life, or dragging the ground. He has talked with me some over the years, and I know he has really struggled with his grand-daughter's health situation... not understanding why God allowed it to happen. But, that's just been a more recent development, and it's not the cause of his back and forth condition. I will admit that at times, some Christians have also said things to him as "advice" (some meaning well, others without thinking) which have hurt him... and that's another issue he deals with. Things have been said to the effect that he just needs to get over his hangup over his grand-daughter, etc.

I suspect he should be seeing a doctor about depression, but I don't feel qualified to make that call, and when you get into depression meds, that's a whole different can of worms. There's times when he seems really on fire, and other times when I really think he convinces himself that no one in the church loves him. At times, he'll attend services frequently, at other times, it's just a Sunday morning affair. I know that his job requires him to take whatever projects he can get though, and often he works far away from home, so I keep that in mind also. However, at other times, I think he just allows discouragement/depression to keep him away from fellowshipping.

For some reason, over reason years, he has been drawn to me, and I'm one of the few with whom he will share things. Recently my wife and I took him, his wife, and daughter who still lives with them, out to dinner, and got the chance to fellowship with them some. He shared some things that he was discouraged about, but overall, I was pleased with how the conversation went, and thought he was on the mend again.

The other day, I got a message from him on Facebook, and it seems like he's back down to the bottom again. He mentioned how his eldest daughter has been sick, and no one cares... no one from the church has reached out to her and her husband, etc. and that the church didn't step up to the plate. Btw, the daughter and her husband are unsaved, though they've both heard the gospel many times.

I replied back and tried to guard my words as carefully as possible, in love. I let him know that that was the first that I'd known of her being sick, and that I'm sure if that was the case with me, that was the case with others as well. I asked him if I could mention it to the church for prayer, and perhaps have some from the church send them some notes, cards, etc to know they cared. I'm waiting to hear back from him.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of me wants to just unload with some of what's on my mind... like, for a body to be aware of specific needs like that, they need to be made aware... which was never done. However, I think it would be done in the wrong spirit, and I've refrained.

I guess my question is... how do you go about dealing with someone like this? I want to see him thrive spiritually, but it just seems like he has never been able to do that. It's a constant see-saw effect. He confides his feelings to me, but I just don't know how to handle it, other than to pray for wisdom, which I've been doing. I wish he'd bring his concerns to a greater part of the church, so that they could help. It's a constant cycle, and I'm just not sure how to handle it.

I hope this hasn't been too rambling. I respect the opinions of the other posters here, and hope maybe someone might have dealt with something similar, and be able to offer some advice. Thanks so much!

-Ryan

[Homer]

Ryan,

I do not know that I can offer any advice other than what you have done. Pray for him and yourself, which I am sure you have done/are doing.

He has talked with me some over the years, and I know he has really struggled with his grand-daughter's health situation... not understanding why God allowed it to happen. But, that's just been a more recent development, and it's not the cause of his back and forth condition. I will admit that at times, some Christians have also said things to him as "advice" (some meaning well, others without thinking) which have hurt him... and that's another issue he deals with. Things have been said to the effect that he just needs to get over his hangup over his grand-daughter, etc.

No one can know in this life why his grand-daughter is afflicted and it is certainly not good to tell him why or to just get over it. Being a willing, sympathetic listener is usually helpful. Someone I respect a lot, who suffered the loss of his first wife in her youth and then the death of his first-born son after a lengthy illness remarked that he could not remember anything people said to him in his suffering but he remembered who was there. I was reminded of how Job's friends seemed to comfort him by being with him and then they began to talk.

Another thing people say that is not helpful is "I know how you feel". No one knows how someone else feels.

I guess I am not much help. You seem to doing all you can, showing Christian love, listening, and encouraging. Assuring him that God loves him and his family and will be with him in his troubles might be helpful but you have probably done that.

God bless and be with you!

[morbo3000]

I have gone through some pretty bad stuff, and, like your friend, complained that none of the Christians who knew me and my situation sought me out to help me. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how loving people are, most are uncomfortable taking the initiative like that. Help is usually something you go get, rather then it come to you. You have to decide that you are broken and can't handle things on your own. As a substitute teacher, I sometimes say when kids raise their hand for me to help them: "Education doesn't come to you, you come to education," meaning that people who need something need to take the initiative to go get it. No one sticks with A.A., for example, unless they keep going back. It's only when they are completely fed up with their life that they take the initiative to follow through with repentance and growth. Often people will come once, and then decide they don't have a problem, and then not come back.. until sometimes, a person comes to the end of themselves and finally admit their sin. I think I would ask your friend "are you satisfied with your life?" "is God pleased?" He might be sick and tired. But if he keeps bouncing back and forth, he isn't sick and tired of being sick and tired and is likely going to keep spinning his wheels. I've only just come out from under a backslid life. I didn't think I was backslid. I was living in denial. It wasn't until I was at the end of my rope that I finally accepted that I needed to repent and seek help. (not alcoholism.. but I know people from there.)

I have a friend who has walked with me through the years. I'm pretty sure that my wife and I burned him and his wife out with our problems. It sounds like you might be at that place with your friend. I wouldn't blame yourself. We can't be the Holy Spirit for other people. We can counsel.. but ultimately, they have to walk the road that they choose. We need to pray.

[Jepne]

That sounds so right, Morbo - we can carry people only so far and then they have to make the effort. I wished I could make my alcoholic daughter's decisions for her and put my legs in her feet and walk for her - one of the last times she asked us to pray for her, my husband told her, "You need to pray." How true.

Also, I want to ask if this man has been a thankful man - has he gone to the Body and asked them if he could pray for them? The Bible says that in praying for others, we are healed. Being centered on self is depressing - been there and still learning that it is not a good place to be!

Perhaps he needs to be made aware of someone else who is seriously in need. . . .

[Paidion]

I just want to share one thing. In every case of depression which I have encountered, the depressed person has been doing something with which he is dissatisfied with himself.

I suggest asking him if he is happy with his own choices in life, or is there something he is doing that bothers his conscience.

[morbo3000]

Paidon wrote:
In every case of depression which I have encountered, the depressed person has been doing something with which he is dissatisfied with himself.

I suggest asking him if he is happy with his own choices in life, or is there something he is doing that bothers his conscience.

I have to say that this was my case. I'll get into it sometime here.. but for the purposes of this thread.. I have dealt with severe depression and other mental issues that, while there to some degree since my teens, became overwhelming in correlation to sinful choices. I'm not prepared to say that it happens with everyone because I only know myself. But God never let me grow hardened to my sin and I lived with the mental "illness" that comes from the duplicity of faith and guilt. I was backslidden, but couldn't admit it to myself. In due time, He cut me off at the knees where there was nothing left to do but change my life, and cry out to Him. A cloud has lifted. But as has been said before, I had to come to the end myself. Even when I was cut off at the knees, I could have continued to live in sin. But God's grace was such that I chose to leave it behind.

[ryan]

Thanks for all of the replies so far. I pray that this fellow gets to his "end" so to speak, and calls out to God. If anyone would happen to think of it as they pray, whisper a prayer for him, and myself also, for wisdom. Thanks!