First let me say that I am divorced. My wife left me for another man about 17 years ago. I tried to reconcile - she did not want too. I was also her second husband. So I feel somewhat free of that relationship.
Ok, for the last 15 years I have been a single parent raising my son alone. In that time I did not date. My son is now pretty much on his own now. So last year I met a nice christian woman, she too was divorced (for 6 years now). I thought God had really blessed me - but here is the problem. Twice in those six years Jan got serious with two different men, in both cases her Ex came back into her life saying all the right things and making all the right promises. But he never came through on the promises. He still, to this day, lives with the woman he left Jan for.
He is doing it again - saying all the right things but making no effort to separate from his girlfriend. Jan is confused, she wants to do the right thing. I am confused because I do not want to stand in the way of a marriage being reconciled. Jan and I do love eachother and want to make a life together but we both wonder what God thinks of this? Should Jan try to reconcile with her Ex even though he shows no sign of actually leaving his girlfriend? How many chances should she give him?
Should I bow out? Or stay? Any thoughts?
A Question About Marriage.
A Question About Marriage.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
"He who learns must suffer.Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." Aeschylus
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_Anonymous
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- Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:03 pm
(This is from Steve G. Forgot to log in properly!)
Hi Jim,
This is an emotionally difficult matter for me to address (and for you to go through). Though there are some Christians who do not believe in remarriage after any divorce, the majority view (as you know) is that adultery is grounds for divorce, and allows also for remarriage. Therefore, I believe, as you do, that there would be no violation of any command of God in either of you marrying each other.
There is a possibility that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 would prohibit her from returning to her previous husband (if he was the one who divorced her, and if she has since been intimate with another man...or even if she had divorced him for his adultery and desertion). It is not certain whether Deuteronomy 24 applies in this case, but it should be considered.
My first wife deserted and divorced me for other men, and showed no interest in reconciliation with me for eight years. In the meantime, I remarried and was widowed. After my second wife's death, my first wife called and wanted to talk about reconciliation. However, she had been living with a man, and did not show any signs of repentance or of being really willing to abandon her sin. Obviously, I turned her down. If she had shown up at my door with her suitcases, and said, "I have repented of my sinful life, and am determined to follow Jesus...will you help me and consider reconciliation with me?" I would have found it difficult to have said "no," even though I no longer was attracted to her, and knew I was free before God to turn her away. I am just convinced that God really values reconciliation.
In the case of your lady friend, she is under no obligation to reconcile with her husband, but if she still wants to be with him, I would think she is not ready to commit fully to you or anyone else. If she does not wish to be with him at all, she is at liberty to tell him so, and ignore his overtures. However, if his true repentance would make her wish to be with him again (in other words, if she still loves him and wants their marriage restored) she will have to decide how long she will wait until she cuts those feelings off and gives her heart irrevocably to another man.
If she wants him back, but just doesn't know if he's serious, she should tell him, "If you want me even to speak to you again about our relationship, you must move out and break up with your girlfriend, never to communicate with her again, join a church, and show signs of repentance for at least six months [perhaps a year or more even]. After you have done all of that, you can call me. Until then, please do not contact me again."
If she will not take a stand like this, she is a very bad risk in a relationship with you. It is probable that she should be with you and not with him, but she has to be quite convinced of this before it would be safe for you to commit to her.
In your patience you will possess your soul.
Hi Jim,
This is an emotionally difficult matter for me to address (and for you to go through). Though there are some Christians who do not believe in remarriage after any divorce, the majority view (as you know) is that adultery is grounds for divorce, and allows also for remarriage. Therefore, I believe, as you do, that there would be no violation of any command of God in either of you marrying each other.
There is a possibility that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 would prohibit her from returning to her previous husband (if he was the one who divorced her, and if she has since been intimate with another man...or even if she had divorced him for his adultery and desertion). It is not certain whether Deuteronomy 24 applies in this case, but it should be considered.
My first wife deserted and divorced me for other men, and showed no interest in reconciliation with me for eight years. In the meantime, I remarried and was widowed. After my second wife's death, my first wife called and wanted to talk about reconciliation. However, she had been living with a man, and did not show any signs of repentance or of being really willing to abandon her sin. Obviously, I turned her down. If she had shown up at my door with her suitcases, and said, "I have repented of my sinful life, and am determined to follow Jesus...will you help me and consider reconciliation with me?" I would have found it difficult to have said "no," even though I no longer was attracted to her, and knew I was free before God to turn her away. I am just convinced that God really values reconciliation.
In the case of your lady friend, she is under no obligation to reconcile with her husband, but if she still wants to be with him, I would think she is not ready to commit fully to you or anyone else. If she does not wish to be with him at all, she is at liberty to tell him so, and ignore his overtures. However, if his true repentance would make her wish to be with him again (in other words, if she still loves him and wants their marriage restored) she will have to decide how long she will wait until she cuts those feelings off and gives her heart irrevocably to another man.
If she wants him back, but just doesn't know if he's serious, she should tell him, "If you want me even to speak to you again about our relationship, you must move out and break up with your girlfriend, never to communicate with her again, join a church, and show signs of repentance for at least six months [perhaps a year or more even]. After you have done all of that, you can call me. Until then, please do not contact me again."
If she will not take a stand like this, she is a very bad risk in a relationship with you. It is probable that she should be with you and not with him, but she has to be quite convinced of this before it would be safe for you to commit to her.
In your patience you will possess your soul.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Thanks for the advice Steve. I will certainly take it under consideration. It is not always easy to look at these situations objectively when one has a strong emotional investment. I do need to step back a bit...
thanks...
thanks...
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
"He who learns must suffer.Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." Aeschylus
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_Priestly1
- Posts: 68
- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2004 2:47 pm
- Location: McMinnville, Oregon USA
Bow out or step up?
Greetings Brother!
I too had the misfortune of going through a divorce 10+ years ago for exactly the same reasons. I feel for you. I am also glad you focused on your Parenting instead of neglecting this duty so that you could hunt down another "perfect" mate. Your Children and God will reward you for this fidelity.
As to your prospective mate's present situation...she could fall back on the Mosaic Law. It states that the husband who divorces his unfaithful wife cannot go again and re-establish a marriage covenant once she has had another marriage afterwards. Now I know that this strictly applies to divorced Israeli men, because in the Ancient Semitic World which the Torah regulates, women cannot seek a divorce or seek a marriage on their own. But in principle I would say your female companion is "off the hook" so to speak according to an egalitarian application of Mosaic Law.
If her ex-husband is engaged in a common law marriage (i.e. shaking up with his concubine) then she is in no way obligated in Christ to return to her unrepentant and willfully fornicating ex husband.....I believe that if she did such a thing it would be like a dog returning to it's vomit. If He had lived a repentant and moral life after the divorce, felt sincere regret and sought reconciliation in that state of purity...then we'd have a different story all together.
I also need to ask you to see if she still has emotional ties to this man and that may be the cause of her consternation. If she is over him and their old life together, and she now seeks to serve the Lord and engage in a life long commitment to you and your Kids...let her do so, as she is free according to the Law of Moses and the Law of God in Christ.
In Christ,
+Ken Huffman DM
I too had the misfortune of going through a divorce 10+ years ago for exactly the same reasons. I feel for you. I am also glad you focused on your Parenting instead of neglecting this duty so that you could hunt down another "perfect" mate. Your Children and God will reward you for this fidelity.
As to your prospective mate's present situation...she could fall back on the Mosaic Law. It states that the husband who divorces his unfaithful wife cannot go again and re-establish a marriage covenant once she has had another marriage afterwards. Now I know that this strictly applies to divorced Israeli men, because in the Ancient Semitic World which the Torah regulates, women cannot seek a divorce or seek a marriage on their own. But in principle I would say your female companion is "off the hook" so to speak according to an egalitarian application of Mosaic Law.
If her ex-husband is engaged in a common law marriage (i.e. shaking up with his concubine) then she is in no way obligated in Christ to return to her unrepentant and willfully fornicating ex husband.....I believe that if she did such a thing it would be like a dog returning to it's vomit. If He had lived a repentant and moral life after the divorce, felt sincere regret and sought reconciliation in that state of purity...then we'd have a different story all together.
I also need to ask you to see if she still has emotional ties to this man and that may be the cause of her consternation. If she is over him and their old life together, and she now seeks to serve the Lord and engage in a life long commitment to you and your Kids...let her do so, as she is free according to the Law of Moses and the Law of God in Christ.
In Christ,
+Ken Huffman DM
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
MARRY HER !
Your wife left you? Marry that new Gal, scripture never said you had to take only one wife in the first place.
Hugh McBryde
Hugh McBryde
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
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_Anonymous
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- Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:03 pm
James
As a female speaking, your new gal friend does not seem committed
to you at all, she seems confused and not acting in a biblical manner.
Forgive me for saying because I am not a counselor BUT you should move on leaving her behind to sort out all this drama.
As a female speaking, your new gal friend does not seem committed
to you at all, she seems confused and not acting in a biblical manner.
Forgive me for saying because I am not a counselor BUT you should move on leaving her behind to sort out all this drama.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Hi
If I were in your place I would pray....even fast and pray and get in my prayer closet until I heard from Him. My first wife left me for a weight lifter and I met a Christian girl later on...I prayed for two months before I would even ask her out. I heard from God and followed Him. She was even dating others during this time but I wasnt worried because I felt if it was His will then I could rest in Him. Weve been married 17 years now. I suggest she do the same thing and pray also.
As far as her exhusband its convenient that he always seems to get interested when she meets someone else. Thats a weird form of manipulation I think...I dont want you and I dont want anyone else to want you either. If she buys into that she may have some issues with just cutting it loose,which is a volitional act of the will. If I were her I would forget him,and quit living in the past..its like living in a dusty closet of old baggage and no light.
We do have a spiritual enemy and he wants to hurt us on every level. You are quiet right in believing she may be the one and you two are being called into marriage. Dont let that thought seem strange to you. I would confirm it with Him and if you feel His peace or a direct word from Him..then go for it bro. Sometimes we tend to look back and feel we arent really worthy..especially after failed relationships. But if you have Biblical grounds to remarry and it sounds like you do...then if its in Him pursue it.
I feel more concerned about why she still seems to be controlled by a guy who obviously cares not one iota for her at all. I remember the hard times I went through and how I struggled with betrayal and abandonment. I had to get those feelings out of my heart. For me I had to actually get reinforcement from my friends,those that knew me. I had to give it to the Lord in faith and leave it at the cross. I had to also command my soul. As weird as it sounds I talked to my soul ( the Bible says David commanded his soul) so every morning for about 2 months when shaving I would look in the mirror and say out loud "She didnt love me ..ever". I hope I dont start a new doctrine ..but for me it worked. I think it could be the enemy is just ripping her off...hes a liar and the father of lies and he came to rob and steal...shes being robbed in my opinion and needs to let it go.
Lord Bless You
As far as her exhusband its convenient that he always seems to get interested when she meets someone else. Thats a weird form of manipulation I think...I dont want you and I dont want anyone else to want you either. If she buys into that she may have some issues with just cutting it loose,which is a volitional act of the will. If I were her I would forget him,and quit living in the past..its like living in a dusty closet of old baggage and no light.
We do have a spiritual enemy and he wants to hurt us on every level. You are quiet right in believing she may be the one and you two are being called into marriage. Dont let that thought seem strange to you. I would confirm it with Him and if you feel His peace or a direct word from Him..then go for it bro. Sometimes we tend to look back and feel we arent really worthy..especially after failed relationships. But if you have Biblical grounds to remarry and it sounds like you do...then if its in Him pursue it.
I feel more concerned about why she still seems to be controlled by a guy who obviously cares not one iota for her at all. I remember the hard times I went through and how I struggled with betrayal and abandonment. I had to get those feelings out of my heart. For me I had to actually get reinforcement from my friends,those that knew me. I had to give it to the Lord in faith and leave it at the cross. I had to also command my soul. As weird as it sounds I talked to my soul ( the Bible says David commanded his soul) so every morning for about 2 months when shaving I would look in the mirror and say out loud "She didnt love me ..ever". I hope I dont start a new doctrine ..but for me it worked. I think it could be the enemy is just ripping her off...hes a liar and the father of lies and he came to rob and steal...shes being robbed in my opinion and needs to let it go.
Lord Bless You
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason: