"I don't love you sometimes."

Post by **_rvornberg** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:31 pm

Hello...

I'm going to open up a personal side for a moment in hopes for some feedback, prayer and counsel.

My wife has told me, "I don't love you sometimes."

I don't relate to that at all.

To be fair, let me share my faults:

I'm admittedly, not the most attentive person to my wife's needs. I'm in the clouds at times. Meaning: I'm thinking about other things. I'm not always considerate of her in areas. Example: I show up 30 minutes later than I said I would after work. Once in a great while. Not even close to every night. I at times (rarely these days) have spent to much time on the phone with other while my wife desires my attention. I've spent enormous amounts of time searching the bible on topics not related to my marriage. Which in turn, usually results in my lack of spending time with my wife... and kids.

Most of my faults are in the area expressed above.

Now... for a moment, I also want to express what I'm not. I've never abused my wife, physically or verbally. I've never cursed at her. I'm always there to pray before I leave in the morning and there to tuck my kids into bed. I am home a lot, sometimes, SOMETIMES my mind isn't.
I've not committed adultery, nor have I ever looked at porn. That in a nutshell is who I am, and if you read between the lines, you'll sort of understand the difficulty my wife has with me.

What I'm trying to come to grips with is her statement: "I don't love you sometimes."

To me personally, I sense bitterness toward me. Quite honestly, a lack of grace (as though, I'm the only one with faults).

Anyway... it's sort of embarrassing to do this, but this is a thinking group of Christians with lots of struggles and life experience. You prayers, advise and counsel would be great.

Ron

Post by **_Rae** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:44 pm

Ron,

How old are your kids?

Post by **_rvornberg** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:31 pm

Rae wrote:How old are your kids?

They are: 8, 6 & 11 months.

Post by **_livingink** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:45 pm

Are the faults you shared with us things she has expressed to you or are you assuming that these are the things that lead her to make this statement?

livingink

Post by **_Steve** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 8:52 pm

Hi Ron,

Hopefully your wife is just using the word "love" in the colloquial sense of "feeling fond of" or "feeling affectionate toward." If this is the case only sometimes with you and your wife, it could be much worse. My wife told me (repeatedly) that she had never loved me nor ever found me attractive. Nor did she wish to change. When I asked her if she had ever prayed and asked God to change her heart about this, she enigmatically scolded me, saying, "How unfair of you to ask me to do that! How cruel!" I never was able to make any sense out of that response, but it was not very encouraging.

If your wife is savvy enough to know that feelings of affection are transient, but love is continuous, and if she is only using the word "love" in the sense of the former, then she may not be telling you anything alarming—but it may be a cry for attention that you had better heed. Her real love for you (if she is a spiritual woman) will not be seen in how seldom she feels irritated or disappointed with you, but in her determination to be faithful, considerate and sacrificially kind toward you at all times. This is possible (and mandatory), with or without feelings of admiration or affection. However, women these days are encouraged to define love in terms of feelings, rather than actions, meaning you cannot always count on them (nor on men) to have that love which the Bible enjoins.

Of course, this faithful, considerate and sacrificial behavior is what it means, also, for you to love her. A mature Christian will love his/her spouse at all times, in the manner I just described, and will always lay down his/her life for the other. That is what is meant by "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it"(Eph.5:25). It is also what is meant when younger women are told to love their husbands (Titus 2:4).

It sounds like you are a pretty good husband, though the things you listed under the "defects" column are things that I believe you should seek to change. I would, anyway. There are few things worse than being married to a spouse who does not feel fond of you. The danger is that she will not only become more irritated (assuming she is not a gracious and mature Christian) but may eventually get to the point where she no longer wants to love you. Be glad that her comment suggests disappointment on her part. It means she is still hopeful that your relationship will become more consistently intimate and satisfying to her.

Even if she is being selfish (which I cannot judge from the little you have said), you will still do yourself a favor by loving your wife in the manner that she recognizes as you loving her. "He who loves his wife loves himself" (Eph.5:28).

Post by **_Suzana** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:26 pm

Hi Ron

I don’t know that I am qualified to give counsel, but I have prayed for you & will just share some of what I prayed:
- giving thanks that the problem has come to light, and that steps can be taken to correct it, rather than allowing it to fester & become worse
- for both you and your wife to be willing to allow God’s light to shine in and reveal any wrong attitudes, any resentment, or wrong-doing, and to be willing to deal with it
- to be aware and for discernment regarding the enemy’s particular schemes against you, and not to allow it, or even be unwittingly used by the enemy to promote his will instead of God’s will for your marriage - (by reacting according to the old nature instead of by the Spirit).
- for guidance and that you would be given Godly counsel. (seems that is already happening)

I would also recommend a book for you both to read:

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman – ‘how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate’.

Post by **_darin-houston** » Thu Apr 17, 2008 11:08 pm

I would also recommend a book for you both to read:

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman – ‘how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate’.

I heartily recommend that book as well !!!! especially if you go through it together or with a group of couples -- just the step of doing something like that together may well help tons.

Post by **_RFCA** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 12:08 am

Hi!

From how you described yourself, I think you're a better husband than many nowadays.
It seems to me that what she really meant was that she doesn't like what you do sometimes i.e. walking in the clouds, unattentive to her, etc. It's like saying "I hate you (or what you do) sometimes". Maybe you should find out (or maybe you already have a good idea) what things in you/of you/by you that she hates (doesn't love or dislike) and work them up.

Now to keep you encouraged and hopeful..try reading "I don't love you sometimes" as "I love you most of the time".

Blessings to you,
Richard

Post by **_darin-houston** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 7:29 am

Maybe it goes without saying, but have you asked her what she means?

Post by **_rvornberg** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:18 pm

Darin wrote:Maybe it goes without saying, but have you asked her what she means?

Yes... she said that if it weren't for the kids, she's not certain we would still be married.

Thank you Suzana and Darin for the book recommendation.

Steve wrote:though the things you listed under the "defects" column are things that I believe you should seek to change.

Thanks Steve, please pray God grants me the wisdom to do so.

livingink wrote:Are the faults you shared with us things she has expressed to you

Yes those are her complaints about me.