Advice for a struggling believer (hypothetical)

[schoel]

Hi -
Your good friend <name> here. I need to share something with you and gather your thoughts. Please be honest with me, but remember that this is deeply personal and potentially embarrassing.

For years, I struggled with a sexual attraction towards men. I've prayed and asked God to relieve me of this, but the temptation is always there. I've always believed it to be a sin and have resisted it, although not perfectly. However, in my desperation, I began to wonder if a monogamous, committed, life-long relationship is not sinful and condemned by Scripture. Some preliminary research shows there are communities of those who have committed the above type of relationship who also profess to follow Christ. The fruits of their lives seem to reflect Christ as well. Is it possible that we've misinterpreted the Bible too narrowly? Perhaps the biblical references that condemn homosexual behavior are really about the cultic, pagan practice of sexual immorality that doesn't apply to the above committed relationship.

What do you think?

*****************************
Note - this is hypothetical and is intended to solicit feedback intended for a friend and fellow believer who is personally struggling with this issue

[robbyyoung]

Hi Schoel,

I'll get right to the point by saying if a believer doesn't believe homosexuality is a sin, after clearly defined as such in The Word of God, they are openly crafting their own Gospel, Savior, and God. Now you can add any "SIN" in the bold-underlined to be consistent to the faith.

The true danger is denying "The Sin" and therefore being unrepentant, the heart being at enmity with God. Now contrast a broken heart before God as a Believer who struggles daily with a particular sin, and does not deny it is sin always seeking God's mercy and deliverance.

And that's the difference - those who toy with sin and actually believe it's not condemned by God and those who simply obey and seek God's mercy.

God Bless!

[Singalphile]

We can all understand and sympathize with struggles like that. I would respond something like this:

I am a mid-30s bachelor with the normal male impulses, and I probably always will be. My biological desires and temptations are not necessarily sinful themselves, and neither are yours, but giving ourselves over to such sexual acts is dangerous or harmful and contrary to the apostle Paul's instructions and to the prophet Moses' (1 Timothy 1:3-11, Romans 1:24-32, Lev 18), which is probably clear to you and me as we seek to follow Christ and live by His Spirit.

I think I can say essentially the same things as you've said with changes to just a few words:

For years, I struggled with a sexual attraction towards [women]. I've prayed and asked God to relieve me of this, but the temptation is always there. I've always believed it to be a sin and have resisted it, although not perfectly. However, in my desperation, I began to wonder if [engaging in sexual lust/behavior with or toward a single woman] is not sinful and condemned by Scripture. Some preliminary research shows there are communities of those who have committed the above type of relationship who also profess to follow Christ. The fruits of their lives seem to reflect Christ as well. Is it possible that we've misinterpreted the Bible too narrowly? Perhaps the biblical references that condemn [fornication] are really about the cultic, pagan practice of sexual immorality that doesn't apply to the above committed relationship.

That said, it is true that your desires are more unusual than mine. And there are people who have even more unusual sexual desires. It might be easier for them than it is for us since the the popular media still generally disapproves of those behaviors rather than actively urging and celebrating them.

How to handle this? Of course Christian fellowship, faith, and habits are important, but if a person still continually stumbles in this area, I would point to what Jesus said as recorded in Matthew 5 and elsewhere: If your hand/foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away! The point, expressed in striking hyperbole, is that we ought to do whatever it takes to avoid sin, for our own good. How about starting with cutting off television and cutting off the internet?

... and close.

[TK]

I think the difficulty with this topic is that many homosexuals believe that that is the way they were born.

From what I have read about this issue, and from personal stories from those that I know pretty well about homosexuals they know in their family, I believe it is very possible that there is in fact a genetic component to this. My wife's brother was homosexual and he told her that he knew from the age of 5 or 6 that that is the way he was. Of course I understand that there may be issues with this but many many homosexuals say the exact same thing. I don't think they are all lying. And I remember a boy in my elementary school who we "knew" was different and he indeed grew up to be gay.

So, the argument goes, if God made me this way, then how can it be wrong?

Well, I don't think God DOES make people that way (meaning he predestines some to homosexuality). I believe we live in a fallen world with a fallen gene pool and fallen environmental conditions. As a result, some people are homosexual.

Now comes the tough part-- that's just too bad. Predilection or even genetics does not give a "pass" to sin. An alcoholic, who indeed may have a gene which predisposes him to addiction, does not get a pass to drink.

In singlephile's example, a person who has a genetic abnormally high sex drive does not get a pass to sleep around. A person with a violence gene cannot bash people whenever they like.

So the answer for the homosexual is celibacy. The attraction toward a man is not the sin, nor is any temptation a sin. It is the acting on the impulse that is the sin.

There is an episode early in the classic sci-fi novel "Dune" where the young hero is administered a "test." He is told to place his hand in a box. As soon as he does so, a poisoned needle is pressed against his neck. He is told that if he withdraws his hand from the box, he will die. Then his hand starts burning to the point where he imagines that his hand is turning to ashes and he is in exquisite agony. When this goes on long enough, the pain in his hand suddenly stops, and he is told to remove his hand from the box, which was perfectly normal. It was all done by nerve stimulation. The purpose of the test, he was told, was to see if he was "human," i.e whether he had sufficient emotional intelligence to rise above a mere animal existence. "You've heard of animals chewing off a leg to escape a trap? There's an animal kind of trick. A human would remain in the trap, endure the pain, feigning death that he might kill the trapper and remove a threat to his kind."

A Christian, by comparison, is a person who forgoes personal satisfaction and refuses to give in to his lusts, whatever that may be, in order to be obedient to God.

Homosexuality is a certain sin that cannot be indulged in. However, there are a multitude of other sins that a Christian must not indulge in. ANd I think that is the trap that the enemy sets -- tricking people into thinking their sin of choice is not as serious as that person's over there.

TK

[Paidion]

My wife's brother was homosexual and he told her that he knew from the age of 5 or 6 that that is the way he was.

I don't understand this statement. How can a boy at the age of 5 or 6 know that he is sexual in ANY sense?

[TK]

I am not sure, Paidion. That's why I said that I realize there are issues with statements like this. Maybe he was a little older and she mis-reported. Nonetheless many homosexuals will state that they were very young when they realized something was up.

But I can tell you this- that when I was age 6 (in first grade) there was a little girl that I liked. I didn't like my male friends the same way. I am not saying that my feeling was sexual, but there was a difference in how I felt about her than I felt about my buddies. I remember wanting to give her the best valentine out of the ones I had to give to all my classmates.

TK

[TheEditor]

I generally concur with what has been written, but I would add this: I think we need to be a bit wary when dealing with those struggling with this issue and not (no matter how well meaning) use analogies regarding normative sexual impulses. The fact is, if we are single and have strong temptations, we do have a Scripturally allowable means of relieving it; it's called marriage. Homosexuals do not have this, at least not Scripturally. A sex drive is a natural thing. With gays, it's a skewed drive, but the desire for sexual expression itself is natural. So there's the conundrum.

Regards, Brenden.

[TK]

I agree Brendan. That is what makes this so difficult.

But the cultural tide, even in Christian circles, is moving toward the position that acting on homosexual impulse is not a sin. In other words, an accommodation is being made. But unless a person with homosexual tendencies is convinced that acting on these impulses is a sin, he has not incentive to not act out on them. It is a difficult thing indeed. It was also likely difficult for Jeremiah not to take a wife or for Hosea to allow his wife to prostitute herself but that is what God required.

I know you are not arguing that homosexuality is not a sin. And I certainly realize that how we treat those with leanings of this type is extremely important, in fact we must treat them exactly as Jesus would.

TK

[mattrose]

A huge part of the problem here, in my opinion, is that our culture is hyper-sexualized and lustful. We feel that if we don't have sex we'll go mad. I grew up in this culture too. I didn't get married until I was 27 years old. I was a virgin. Personally, I didn't find it extremely difficult not to have sex. No doubt I wanted to get married and I was glad sexual intercourse would be part of that, but I was not obsessed. My point is, if a Christian has sexual attraction for someone of the same sex, that sexual attraction is a desire that should be under control. I truly believe I could have gone my entire life without having sexual intercourse had God not blessed me with a wife. Sure there would have been moments of frustration and disappointment, but such is life.

Another point I'd like to make is that the whole idea of sexual attraction is over-rated. To be completely candid, I was not initially attracted to my wife sexually. It was only as our friendship deepened and grew into love that my sexual desires were aroused. And there's no problem at all in that area today! So... again, I think sexual desires are over-rated. I believe a Christian man with same sex attraction could (and should) resist acting out on those desires. If they truly desire to be married, they should look for a Christian woman to marry. And if they don't feel particularly attracted to Christian women, they should at least deepen those friendships to see if something develops. And, I'd go so far as to say, even if they NEVER feel strong sexual desire... they could still get married. There are much greater things in a marriage relationship than the act of sexual intercourse.

So actually, there are numerous good options available to Christians with same sex attraction. They could remain single and have more time to serve the Lord. Or they could, perhaps marry a Christian woman and have a wonderful deep relationship (that may or may not entail blissful sexual intercourse). The only way that I can see these 2 solutions not being considered 'good' is if sexual desires have been made king of the castle.

[TK]

matt wrote:

There are much greater things in a marriage relationship than the act of sexual intercourse.

So obviously true but not stated often enough.

Excellent post as usual!

TK