If she were your daughter

[Guest]

My wife and I have been blessed with three children (boy and 2 girls). They are all adults now and only our youngest (22 in November) is still at home. S. has always been what I would call the perfect child. She had friends while in school but never had the usual desire to be with friends over her home life. She has great morals and loves the Lord.

S. takes after her dad in many ways and thankfully respects me with all her heart. (as well as her mother)

S. loves photography and has participated in many contests and internet photography websites. During this time she has become aquainted with a single man of 35 who she claims has all the same interests. During this aquaintance they have discussed meeting one another in a public setting of equal distance from home. They have spoken at length on the phone and text each other within financial reason.

It was not until several weeks ago that I was told about this relationship by my daughter, S. As I pointed out she highly respects me even though she knew I would express concerns about this kind of relationship. At first I played it down just to see where this was going and as I saw that she was developing feelings for this guy I put my foot down (as best as a father of a 21 year old can do) and called for this relationship to back off and to just remain friends at the very most.

Of course S. was not happy with me but she also listened to my words without actually agreeing to cut back. The other day my daughter came to me asking to talk this over. She told me how much she loved me and honored me and that in communicating with her friend I was asked if it would be alright for him to email me in order to let me see who he is. I agreed but also made it known that I will not be swayed by emotions but rather what God says from His Word.

Today, as we were talking, S. told me that this friend would repect my wishes if I saw fit to absolutely refuse to allow a continuation of this relationship. I could see in my daughters eyes that even though she would hate for it to go that way she would honor me also.

My daughter says he believes in God but is not an active believer. He has had a girl friend in the past and they have had sexual relations but S. tells me that she would insist that this not be a prt of their relationship. S. has been a chaste girl and it is very important for her to remain that way while still unmarried.

This man lives in one of the New England states while we are in Nebraska. Distance is a factor, age is a factor, yoked unequally is a factor but my daughter is also an adult. She reminds me that we have always been able to trust her, and we have. But this is much more serious then any other situation we have had to deal with. So I am seeking advice.

[Guest]

This man lives in one of the New England states while we are in Nebraska. Distance is a factor, age is a factor, yoked unequally is a factor but my daughter is also an adult. She reminds me that we have always been able to trust her,



Hi Allyn, Obviously it would be best if they did'nt see each other but as you said, your daughter is an adult. So my suggestion is that if it seems that your daughter will somehow manage to see this guy , i would try to insist that he come to your town and see her in either your house or a place known to you where at least she would be safe.
It may turn out that the effort it takes to see her will make it not worth it to him to actually follow through. And even if he does, perhaps there may not be any chemistry when they meet in person for either to follow it up. But there is no reason for her to travel anywhere and if this guy is so interested, let him come to your turf.

[Guest]

This man lives in one of the New England states while we are in Nebraska. Distance is a factor, age is a factor, yoked unequally is a factor but my daughter is also an adult. She reminds me that we have always been able to trust her,



Hi Allyn, Obviously it would be best if they did'nt see each other but as you said, your daughter is an adult. So my suggestion is that if it seems that your daughter will somehow manage to see this guy , i would try to insist that he come to your town and see her in either your house or a place known to you where at least she would be safe.
It may turn out that the effort it takes to see her will make it not worth it to him to actually follow through. And even if he does, perhaps there may not be any chemistry when they meet in person for either to follow it up. But there is no reason for her to travel anywhere and if this guy is so interested, let him come to your turf.

Thanks Steve. You know I did make that a condition. I was telling my daughter that depending on the content of his email I would insist that if they were to meet it would mean he would have to come here. I'm glad you and I think alike on that, Steve. S. told me just about an hour and a half ago that he did not like that idea, but I told her that was too bad and that would be an absolute as far as I was concerned. She said he is shy but I told her I wasn't buying that as an excuse.

[Guest]

S. told me just about an hour and a half ago that he did not like that idea, but I told her that was too bad and that would be an absolute as far as I was concerned. She said he is shy but I told her I wasn't buying that as an excuse.

I would take that as a real red flag, and ask her what she herself thinks his refusal to take that effort and emotional risk actually suggests about him and his character.

Especially since she's an adult, I would really suggest asking her open questions and guiding her in making her own right conclusions, if at all possible.

[Guest]

Hello Allyn,

I read everything posted so far and:

S. told me just about an hour and a half ago that he did not like that idea, but I told her that was too bad and that would be an absolute as far as I was concerned. She said he is shy but I told her I wasn't buying that as an excuse.

These days...even people our age are increasingly meeting people through the internet. The younger folks are, the more common it is, as you probably know.

The incidents of crimes being committed in relation to how many people "meet online" might be relatively small (I'm not sure). But everyone knows this happens, kids & parents alike. Females need to be especially cautious about "meeting people in person" for obvious reasons: they're usually smaller & weaker than men.

Anyway, Allyn, I have two areas to comment on.
1. Christians are not to consider becoming "serious" with non-Christians. In other words, it's out of the question, I believe the Bible teaches. Your daughter, though I don't doubt she does love the Lord as you say; I don't think she is really following scriptural teaching on this. Steve (Gregg) has:
Compatibility Considerations Before Marriage posted here on the forum: The compatibility considerations of both persons assumes they are both Christians as the first principle.

As far as the "chemistry clicking" goes in searching for a mate, the Bible says we can't "click" with a non-believer. I've heard too many bad & sad stories of Christians, especially from women believers, who married a guy in the hopes he would become a Christian---but didn't.

I think it would be a good thing for S. to read and study not only what Steve has posted, but to listen to Steve's lectures on this topic. Perhaps you and she could do a kind of study on this (?).

2. She says he is too "shy" to come and meet her in your home or even nearby. I have a fair amount of experience meeting ladies on the web, Allyn, though I have not met any in person. I can say from what they have told me about it, and one lady friend of mine recently met a guy in person and married him (both believers)---that---this excuse of being "shy" has a high probability of being a lie. He's told her about his past sexual activity and is now suddenly "shy"?

My lady friend who got married had met several men in person and none of them were perverts. She had good judgment and prayed about meeting every man who had to be a Christian. But given the circumstances your daughter is in, this man is out of the question first, since he is a non-believer. And, secondly, this "shy" business is too suspect...and would remain so even if he claimed to be a believer.

To be frank about it, and going by what my lady friend has told me about these things: This man should be considered dangerous.

I don't have kids but that's my input for now, Brother Allyn.
God bless you and your daughter.

[Guest]

Thank you all for the very useful comments. I would appreciate a couple more if anyone else cares to share their wisdom.

[Guest]

Allyn, I hate giving advice because I feel that I was such a poor parent. My poor children only had one parent...and it was me. But, I have a couple of thoughts to share:

I heard the same alarm bells go off as others did when the guy balked at meeting there and claimed shyness as his defense (just in case numbers make a difference.)

I also thought that knowing you; you are a friendly, confident, spirit-led guy, that perhaps if you started and email correspondence with this man it might end up wonderfully for him. My grandfather led my father to the Lord, which was the only way he would've let my mother marry him. My father is a wonderful Christian man; he didn't convert just to marry my mom, apparently.

And last of all, does your daughter know how lucky she is to have the parents she has?

[Guest]

Michelle, your comments are received well. I was so hoping to here from the women here and hope for a couple of more even if it is what has already been said. I respect all of you guys so much and in this time O need I am blessed to have someone to bring this to.

As I have said, my daughter is such a blessing to us. I really can't see that she will go against sound biblical advice.

My hearts desire is to first bring the Good News of Christ to whoever I have been led to and this individual is on my radar for this purpose as well.

I won't string this out too long, so if I could hear from 3 or 4 more of you then I will be very happy indeed.

[Guest]

I forgot to add that I prayed and will continue praying for you, your wife, your daughter and this man.

[Guest]

Friends, I would like to share the email I received from the person in question and a draft of my response. Your input is desired.

Dear Mr. Morton,

I would like to take this opportunity and introduce myself. My name is "****" and I have been friends with your daughter, "S" since last August. When we first met, I was only looking to talk with someone who shared a mutual appreciation for art, which is a passion of mine. As I got to know her, I found that despite her age, she was an old soul. Very wise and mature, and a gifted artist and photographer as well. Our talks have touched on such subjects as art, music, poetry and the like.

Nice to meet you as well. Yes, I know my daughter well and find her to be gifted and wise in much of her understanding.

I understand if you are a little uncomfortable with the stigma associated with “internet relationships” of any sort, due to the headlines of any given paper on any given day. I am too. I realize it can be a bit unsettling. I also realize this is somewhat unconventional to some because of my age. But I assure you, sir, that I am quite different than most and will go to great lengths not to be lumped in with the riff-raff. I have nothing but respect for "S" as a person, as a friend, and as your daughter. She has strong convictions and an admirable moral sense. And so, I am writing in hopes of somehow easing your mind on this matter. Also, I know it means a lot to "S", and so, it means a lot to me. I also hope that someday it will be possible to meet her in person, as it seems like the natural progression of any friendship, and I would feel much better about this if it were done with your blessing.

I am not uncomfortable with internet relationships per se, as I have been involved with the internet for 10 years and have many good friends. I have even met a couple of them. This brings me to this point - even though I thought I knew all I needed to know about the person before actually meeting them, I found I was wrong about them on many levels. Even though it was an experience that I am okay with having, those individuals turned out to be far from what I percieved them to be before actually physically meeting and spending much time with.
Yes, the age difference is a biggy for me. Being there once, I understand fully what it was like to be 35. I also know that it was a transitional time for me. Lets face it, when we were in our 20's it was very easy to relate with teens and others within our youth-like age group. As we turned the corner and became thirty it still had a resemblence of our earlier years but we found it somewhat more difficult to fit in to that younger generational culture. By the time 35 hit the distance was definitely there but the heart still yearned for that time past. Whether you admit it or not you are far removed from that generation in many ways. Fifteen years is a huge difference, especially if one is seeking a more permanent relationship.
I will take your word for it that you are different from most but what does that mean? Who are the riff-raff you refer to? It seems to indicate to me that it is a person who stays within their own age group. I find it puzzling that a man of 35 has even considered a deeper relationship with a young women of "S" age. With consideration to the biological clock you are old enough to be her father. This is certainly not unheard of for relationships to work inspite of a huge age difference of 15 years and more, but it certainly has the odds in its favor that it will not work out in the long run.
You say that you have nothing but respect for "S" and being so you must, by extension have nothing but respect for me as well. Your letter indicates this and I do appreciate that from you. Having said that I must also say that at this point I am against this relationship going any further. It is based on many elements which I will be happy to go into further as we correspond with a few email exchanges. I am not closing the door out of love for my daughter, but I am not at this time ready to give my blessing for a relationship to transpire any further than it is today. I encourage you to act no differently towards my daughter now that I have said these things, but I ask that you not indulge yourself with intimate words towards her.
I have told "S" that I know that God has a man ready to walk on the stage for her some day. I have also said that this young man will be one who already loves the Lord since God does not go against His Word. He has told us not to be yoked unequally with another. He has also told us through His inspired writer that to marry an unsaved person is a very risky thing since one does not know if the other will be brought to salvation. This is just one of the many principles I have raised my children to believe, but of course ultimately each must make their decision concerning choices. My job was and is to remain consistant and unyielding in my convictions. I trust "S" will remain faithful to her convictions as well.

I have complete respect for your opinion on this matter, and if you do not wish for this to happen, I will accept your decision. I do not know what the future holds, I only wanted an opportunity to show, for all its worth, that I am honourable. Please feel free to contact me with any questions/concerns on this matter. Take care.
Sincerely,

**** **********

Again, I am pleased that you respect my opinion. It is not based on emotions, even though this is an emotional discussion for me, but based on principle, integrity and maturity. I know what is best for my daughter. At this time of influence I have on her I am steadfast in the mission that my daughter will be able to have all the best that God has in store for her. As I have said I do not forbid you and her having communication but I do not want, at this time if ever, for this to go forward.
In the meantime **** and to your credit I want to say that I respect you as well. It took a lot for you to approach me first and that is an admireable thing in you. "S" shares much with me and I want this to continue. I hope you will encourage this in her. That will show me honor and it is something that will go a long ways with me.

Thank you again and I hope that you will receive this email as it was intended.

Regards,
Allyn Morton