What Would You Say?

[Paidion]

If he were truly repentant, and is a changed man, and his wife divorced him anyway, then maybe he's better off without her. It's not what we did that counts. It's what we are now!

[Suzana]

This is a tough question.

My instinctive response (before I knew it was a past situation) was that yes, he should tell her.

I agree there are some circumstances where confession to a person may not be appropriate. I’ve experienced this myself (regarding something unrelated and relatively minor), when under God’s conviction about a matter, I would have found it such a relief to confess to the person in question; however, another person was involved and it would have been most unfair to them to do so; instead, I confessed to a leader with spiritual authority, and had God’s peace that the matter was settled.

However, in a covenant marriage relationship, I think the spouse has a right to know, and a right to make their own decision regarding how to respond.

Eph 4:25 Therefore putting away lying, let each man speak truth with his neighbour, for we are members of one another.

If he didn’t confess to his wife, wouldn’t he be living a lie? Pretending that he has kept his marriage vows to be faithful, when in fact he has broken that vow.
And wouldn’t the guilt have kept affecting him and the marriage in some way anyway? That’s a big secret to keep hiding!
If marriage is supposed to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church, how could there be intimacy and true knowing each other in this case?

The wife’s ideal and scriptural response I think should have been forgiveness; (not that I would judge her).*

“ And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.” Eph 4:32
I imagine there may have been other issues affecting this couple and their marriage, having ended as it has.

Having said all that, I still think it’s a tough call, especially knowing the outcome of the situation. But what if it had turned out differently? And to what extent do we sacrifice Godly principles to improve the likely outcome?
I’d be interested to know the guy’s motive for confession – was it just to relieve his own feelings of guilt, or because he felt it was more honourable before God and to the marriage? If the latter, he shouldn't regret confessing, even while regretting the outcome.

I think perhaps when I was younger, I might have preferred not to know if I was in the wife’s situation. At this time though, I think I would, and hopefully be spiritually mature enough to deal with it & work to strengthen the marriage.

Perhaps it’s an issue that isn’t cut and dried, but a matter of being led by the Holy Spirit and Godly counsel on a case by case basis.

I didn’t set out to write at such length…

*and now I have another question:

How do we reconcile Jesus saying “but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”, with the fact that a spouse has the right to divorce in a case of adultery? Can one forgive and still seek a divorce?

[darinhouston]

I wonder if those thinking he should "confess" to her would also confess their lustful thoughts for other women or things they see? If not, why not?

[Paidion]

Great post, Suzana! I see this matter much the same as you.

As for your question:

How do we reconcile Jesus saying “but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”, with the fact that a spouse has the right to divorce in a case of adultery? Can one forgive and still seek a divorce?

What would it meant to "forgive and still seek a divorce"? It seems to me that "forgive" would have no meaning in such a case.

What if God forgave us of all our sin, but still sent us to Hell? Would His "forgiveness" have any meaning at all?

[NORTH]

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[NORTH]

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[Suzana]

I wonder if those thinking he should "confess" to her would also confess their lustful thoughts for other women or things they see? If not, why not?

I think there is a difference between an actual physical act of adultery, which is a breach of covenant (to forsake all others & be faithful), and thoughts which are not acted on.
For example, if a person felt murderous rage towards someone & fantasised about killing them, but never acted on this, one could hardly throw this person into prison.

As to what to do about lustful thoughts - of course, one should resist the temptation when it presents itself. But if those thoughts are entertained, then I think that becomes a sin, and needs to be confessed. To God, definitely. If it is an ongoing problem, I think confession before someone spiritually mature would be helpful, for prayer support, counsel and perhaps accountability.

As to whether I would confess these thoughts to my husband, I would hope that (if I was married), our relationship would be one of openness, loving & intimate enough to enable mutual support of this kind.
If I was doubtful about the wisdom of this, if perhaps there were difficulties in our relationship, I would seek counsel from someone spiritual & preferably who knew both of us.

These are my musings regarding potential thoughts about other guys. As for things - well, I needed a new wallet recently, and there was this really nice leather one I really liked, maybe even lusted after...briefly...then I bought a different one for a quarter of the price. Then there's these really cool sunnies I'm still contemplating...
I would probably not feel reticent about confessing that to my husband.

[TK]

Suzana wrote:

If I was doubtful about the wisdom of this, if perhaps there were difficulties in our relationship, I would seek counsel from someone spiritual & preferably who knew both of us

.

i think the fear is that if a person confessed lustful thoughts as per darin's question, then more likely than not this would CREATE problems in the relationship that perhaps were not there before. if traditional stats are correct, the average male fantasizes about sexual matters many times per day (i am not commenting on the correctness of this, or whether this applies to male christians). i cannot imagine any marriage, even a christian one, surviving a husband confessing all of his "lustful daydreams" on a daily basis to his spouse.

of course, the key is to not have lustful wanderings, but that is another topic.

TK

[Michelle]

Ok guys. This all actually happened years ago. About ten or so. My friend did not take my advise, and his wife did divorce him. And it has been a emotional and financial struggle for him, her and the kids ever since. She has recently remarried, he hasn't yet. The reason I brought this up was that saturday we went to a military air show together and to this day he regrets telling her.

Seer, what you wrote is likely just a summary of a much longer conversation you had with this man, but what you said is: "to this day he regrets telling her." Doesn't he, to this day, regret committing adultery? Or perhaps doesn't he, to this day, regret his wife opting for divorce, which she had grounds to do?

Something doesn't sit right with me here, and I seem to be kind of in the minority. His sin was adultery, not confession. His wife may have been unforgiving, but he broke the vows he made to her, not the other way around.

If I was the wife, I would want to know. If it had been the husband I was married to, I wouldn't have divorced him, however, the way you presented this question in the OP, he seemed to know that it was very likely that she would. How was he able to predict that with accuracy?

What if he had never confessed but at some point in their marriage she asked him if he had always been faithful to her? (women do that, you know) Would he have lied then to maintain the marriage? Would this be the advisable thing to do?

[seer]

Seer, what you wrote is likely just a summary of a much longer conversation you had with this man, but what you said is: "to this day he regrets telling her." Doesn't he, to this day, regret committing adultery? Or perhaps doesn't he, to this day, regret his wife opting for divorce, which she had grounds to do?

Yes he regrets the act as well. But regrets her decision more.


Something doesn't sit right with me here, and I seem to be kind of in the minority. His sin was adultery, not confession. His wife may have been unforgiving, but he broke the vows he made to her, not the other way around.

Exaclty...

If I was the wife, I would want to know. If it had been the husband I was married to, I wouldn't have divorced him, however, the way you presented this question in the OP, he seemed to know that it was very likely that she would. How was he able to predict that with accuracy?

He or we were not certain, but knowing Pat the outcome was no surprise...

What if he had never confessed but at some point in their marriage she asked him if he had always been faithful to her? (women do that, you know) Would he have lied then to maintain the marriage? Would this be the advisable thing to do?

I don't know if he would have lied.