What Would You Say?

seer · Post by **seer** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:22 am

Say you had a friend. He has been married for nine years with two little girls. For the first time in his marriage he had an affair. A one night stand - he did not know the woman and she did not know him. Now the friend feels very guilty - as he should - and he wants to tell his wife, but he also knows (and he is correct about this) that his wife would probably leave and seek a divorce. BTW - these are people who attend church once and a while, not really committed though.

I told my friend to eat the guilt, work it out with God and keep his mouth shut. What would you say and why?

darinhouston · Post by **darinhouston** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:01 am

I agree with your advice, and have reasons but not a lot of support from scripture. First, I believe it's the loving thing -- it would do nothing but relieve his own guilt to share it with her, and would cause her pain she didn't already have. Second, if it's true that it would result in divorce, this would not serve God's expressed purposes in the marriage while telling her is not an expressed will from Scripture (that I can tell). In a sense, he sinned against her, but really he sinned against his own body and against God. So, though he might have something to seek her forgiveness about for the things surrounding and giving rise to the affair, I don't think the actual act of the affair needs to be confessed to anyone but God. If, on the other hand, there is a pretty good chance the marriage would survive and telling her would only result in difficulties he would have to endure or loss in trust that can be overcome, he might confess it to her and work it out together. But, if the only result in confession is to relieve his guilt and cause her pain, then I don't see it as very loving.

NORTH · Post by **NORTH** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:43 pm

Paidion · Post by **Paidion** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:00 pm

James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

If there's anyone to whom one should confess his sins, it's one's spouse!

Has our spouse really committed him/herself to the marriage. Did we both mean it when we vowed "Till death do us part"? If we did, we will not separate or divorce because of such a moral failure. If the offending party is truly repentant, the other party, if he/she is a disciple of Christ and fully committed to the marriage, will forgive, for he/she will see that his/her spouse is repentant and a changed person.

Such confession will actually STRENGTHEN the marriage! That is my honest belief.

It may be very difficult to do, but we must TRUST our spouse to receive our confession lovingly and forgivingly.

darinhouston · Post by **darinhouston** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:04 pm

Paidion wrote:if he/she is a disciple of Christ and fully committed to the marriage, will forgive, for he/she will see that his/her spouse is repentant and a changed person.

And if this is the situation, I agree... the situation seer describes suggests otherwise.

seer · Post by **seer** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:30 am

Ok guys. This all actually happened years ago. About ten or so. My friend did not take my advise, and his wife did divorce him. And it has been a emotional and financial struggle for him, her and the kids ever since. She has recently remarried, he hasn't yet. The reason I brought this up was that saturday we went to a military air show together and to this day he regrets telling her.

schoel · Post by **schoel** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 8:50 am

If your spouse had cheated on you with a one-night stand affair, would you want to know?

Is it really the loving thing to do to hide a breach of the commitment you made?

Dave

seer · Post by **seer** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:09 am

schoel wrote:If your spouse had cheated on you with a one-night stand affair, would you want to know?

Is it really the loving thing to do to hide a breach of the commitment you made?

Dave

Sure on an emotional level I would want to know. But if it was really a one time event then what good would it do to know? And given the fact of the case I mentioned, telling would almost certainly lead to divorce - and did.

TK · Post by TK » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:48 pm

this is a tough question.

on one hand, i dont think it is appropriate to confess some "secret sins" -- e.g. if i have an unkind thought about someone, must i approach that person and confess that i had an unkind thought about them? that seems kind of dumb.

Personally, if my spouse had a one time fling and that was it, i dont think i would want to know. maybe that makes me a wimp- i am not sure. it makes me think of a line in a song from my younger days- "what you dont know aint gonna hurt you while you don't know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkDz6tvUebY

TK

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 8:37 pm

seer wrote:Ok guys. This all actually happened years ago. About ten or so. My friend did not take my advise, and his wife did divorce him. And it has been a emotional and financial struggle for him, her and the kids ever since. She has recently remarried, he hasn't yet. The reason I brought this up was that saturday we went to a military air show together and to this day he regrets telling her.

I wonder if she regrets him telling her, too. That would be interesting to know.

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