Hi
I hope I am not out of line here, but you said for 6 years you have had love in your heart for this woman. Questions that come to my mind are, is this child six years old she has had,?
And if not, is there a certain reason why you did not approach her before this time? I quess when I hear some one say they have love in their heart for some one but didn't actually persue them and date them etc. I wonder if it is more of an infatuation, not really love.Which if not can hit some cold reality places.
Even if it is infatuation, I agree with the men that I see no reason beyond what they have already mentioned why you should not persue at least dating her. To get to know her better and her child.
I also think it is admirable that you are open to dating, loving and supporting a woman with a past such as hers ( and we all seem to have some thing!) . God Bless you in what ever choice you take Matt!
Like I said, I hope I am not out of bounds here but maybe I see it a little different because I am a woman. Glow
Question about unmarried mothers
Hey Glow 
No, her baby is only a year old. I am a virgin.
I did pursue this girl in the past and we were both interested, but I went away to college and it just wasn't very practical to keep pursuing it.
Thanks for you input, it's appreciated! I'll be taking some more time before I make any decisions.
PS...thanks to Homer for your input as well
No, her baby is only a year old. I am a virgin.
I did pursue this girl in the past and we were both interested, but I went away to college and it just wasn't very practical to keep pursuing it.
Thanks for you input, it's appreciated! I'll be taking some more time before I make any decisions.
PS...thanks to Homer for your input as well
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'
I agree with the second part (se7en)
I agree with the second part (se7en)
Hey Michelle Thanks for checking in on me!
I was advised in this thread and by others to take some time to gauge how complete her repentance was and whether or not she's be a wise match for me and for ministry.
After quite a few conversations with her, I became less sure of both of those things. I believe she is genuinely sorry for having sex outside of marriage, but I don't think she has completely turned to the Lord in response to her sin. I can't say with confidence that her prior sin was an isolated incident.
Even in the couple of months that we talked a lot, she wasn't completely honest with me. She maintained that she was still completely single, but in actuality she was still 'on again off again' with the father of the baby. She even used my interest, on one occassion, in an argument with him trying to (i assume) make him jealous.
At that point it seemed pretty clear that this wasn't a good situation for me to get myself deeply into. I talked to her about it and I even made sure things were ok between the father and me. I believe that through patience, prayer, and godly counsel, things turned out pretty well in the following ways.
1) I think this girl was struggling with 'who could ever like me' syndrome and this scenario showed her she has some very likeable qualities.
2) I think this guy was a real loser and recent indications are he has sorta turned a corner in his maturity. I exchanged very positive emails with him a month or so ago.
3) I finally feel released from my interest in this girl. For a long time, other potential relationships didn't really have a chance b/c I always kept myself a bit reserved b/c i was waiting for this girl. But now I feel like I investigated and found out what I needed to know.
thanks again,
matthew
Thanks for checking in on me!I was advised in this thread and by others to take some time to gauge how complete her repentance was and whether or not she's be a wise match for me and for ministry.
After quite a few conversations with her, I became less sure of both of those things. I believe she is genuinely sorry for having sex outside of marriage, but I don't think she has completely turned to the Lord in response to her sin. I can't say with confidence that her prior sin was an isolated incident.
Even in the couple of months that we talked a lot, she wasn't completely honest with me. She maintained that she was still completely single, but in actuality she was still 'on again off again' with the father of the baby. She even used my interest, on one occassion, in an argument with him trying to (i assume) make him jealous.
At that point it seemed pretty clear that this wasn't a good situation for me to get myself deeply into. I talked to her about it and I even made sure things were ok between the father and me. I believe that through patience, prayer, and godly counsel, things turned out pretty well in the following ways.
1) I think this girl was struggling with 'who could ever like me' syndrome and this scenario showed her she has some very likeable qualities.
2) I think this guy was a real loser and recent indications are he has sorta turned a corner in his maturity. I exchanged very positive emails with him a month or so ago.
3) I finally feel released from my interest in this girl. For a long time, other potential relationships didn't really have a chance b/c I always kept myself a bit reserved b/c i was waiting for this girl. But now I feel like I investigated and found out what I needed to know.
thanks again,
matthew
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'
I agree with the second part (se7en)
I agree with the second part (se7en)
Wow, Mattrose, I prayed that you would have wisdom and discernment, and it sounds like you have plenty of both...much more than I ever did at your age!
May God continue to bless you!
Michelle
P.S. I have an unmarried daughter about your age.....
May God continue to bless you!
Michelle
P.S. I have an unmarried daughter about your age.....
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
-
_MoGrace2u
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2006 9:51 pm
- Location: Los Angeles
Hi Matthew,
Coming in at the end of the matter and seeing how it turned out confirms something I have found true in similar situations. It seems that when God puts a person of the opposite sex upon our hearts we are quick to attach romantic ideas to the attraction we feel. Which is where the confusion comes in IMO. God no doubt selected you to counsel this woman because you were the right person at that time to do so. You handled it as if she were a sister in the Lord first, although your own emotions were telling you it might be more. This takes great maturity which you showed you had.
Not many have been called to be Hosea's - Keep praying for a godly wife, since your discernment is already growing!
Coming in at the end of the matter and seeing how it turned out confirms something I have found true in similar situations. It seems that when God puts a person of the opposite sex upon our hearts we are quick to attach romantic ideas to the attraction we feel. Which is where the confusion comes in IMO. God no doubt selected you to counsel this woman because you were the right person at that time to do so. You handled it as if she were a sister in the Lord first, although your own emotions were telling you it might be more. This takes great maturity which you showed you had.
Not many have been called to be Hosea's - Keep praying for a godly wife, since your discernment is already growing!
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Robin
thanks for the encouragement you two
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'
I agree with the second part (se7en)
I agree with the second part (se7en)
Re: Question about unmarried mothers
It has been about three years since I started this thread
Time for some more transparency
After the above post, I truly did feel somewhat freed from my attachment to this young woman and I started to keep my eyes open for a possible spouse. Eventually, I began to spend significant amounts of time with another friend from church and we courted and got married (as some of you know) on December 31st, 2009. Katie & I have been doing great!
The unmarried mother became a mother of two (same father) and they actually got married before Katie & I did. He is in the military. She is at church nearly every week with her two children. I've had some opportunities to correspond via email with her husband on spiritual matters and he seems to be a seeker to some degree. She is growing spiritually too. In fact, a lot of the potential that I saw in her when I made this thread has come to fruition. She's a good mother and is growing in her relationship with the Lord & His church.
BUT THEREIN LIES ANOTHER ISSUE
At every point in my life over the past 10 years, whenever I spend any amount of time with this young woman, I inevitably dream about her. The dreams are not rated R by any means, but in the dreams I am still interested in her (and neither of our marriages are part of the dream). I always wake up feeling like a bad husband for dreaming of this girl and not my own wife. If it were just an odd dream once a month I'd ignore it, but for the past month or so it has been about 5 dreams each week.
The 'issue' is not that I think I'll act on the dreams, but that I wish I knew of some way to STOP the dreams from happening. Maybe there is no way, but it is frustrating me. It makes me feel like a bad husband and, frankly, it makes it hard for me to minister to this young women who I'm friends with and who attends many of my teaching sessions. I am distracted by her.
Worse yet, I have horrible thoughts sometimes during the day-time. I catch myself thinking of horrible hypothetical situations like if both our spouses died, we could end up together after all. I feel gross just typing that
When I have these dreams and day-time thoughts, I pray to God for help. Yet I still dream these dreams and, even though I try to take the thoughts captives, I still have them sometimes. I still get distracted by her during church services too.
I love my wife and I really do believe that she's a much better match for me anyways. And I care about this other girl and want to be a good minister to her and her family. But I really wish I could eliminate these dreams and thoughts. Is this just something I'll have to live with?
Time for some more transparency
After the above post, I truly did feel somewhat freed from my attachment to this young woman and I started to keep my eyes open for a possible spouse. Eventually, I began to spend significant amounts of time with another friend from church and we courted and got married (as some of you know) on December 31st, 2009. Katie & I have been doing great!
The unmarried mother became a mother of two (same father) and they actually got married before Katie & I did. He is in the military. She is at church nearly every week with her two children. I've had some opportunities to correspond via email with her husband on spiritual matters and he seems to be a seeker to some degree. She is growing spiritually too. In fact, a lot of the potential that I saw in her when I made this thread has come to fruition. She's a good mother and is growing in her relationship with the Lord & His church.
BUT THEREIN LIES ANOTHER ISSUE
At every point in my life over the past 10 years, whenever I spend any amount of time with this young woman, I inevitably dream about her. The dreams are not rated R by any means, but in the dreams I am still interested in her (and neither of our marriages are part of the dream). I always wake up feeling like a bad husband for dreaming of this girl and not my own wife. If it were just an odd dream once a month I'd ignore it, but for the past month or so it has been about 5 dreams each week.
The 'issue' is not that I think I'll act on the dreams, but that I wish I knew of some way to STOP the dreams from happening. Maybe there is no way, but it is frustrating me. It makes me feel like a bad husband and, frankly, it makes it hard for me to minister to this young women who I'm friends with and who attends many of my teaching sessions. I am distracted by her.
Worse yet, I have horrible thoughts sometimes during the day-time. I catch myself thinking of horrible hypothetical situations like if both our spouses died, we could end up together after all. I feel gross just typing that
When I have these dreams and day-time thoughts, I pray to God for help. Yet I still dream these dreams and, even though I try to take the thoughts captives, I still have them sometimes. I still get distracted by her during church services too.
I love my wife and I really do believe that she's a much better match for me anyways. And I care about this other girl and want to be a good minister to her and her family. But I really wish I could eliminate these dreams and thoughts. Is this just something I'll have to live with?
Re: Question about unmarried mothers
Hi Matt
This is a tough one, but it’s great that you are being so transparent.
I’m thinking that it’s not really something you should have to live with, & nor should your wife; I imagine it would be pretty hard for her as well (I assume she is aware of it).
I just want to say I have prayed for your situation, (as I’m sure others will) – and that the Lord will provide wisdom & guidance, and Godly counsel with discernment.
Some other points I prayed for:
- Since it sounds like a spiritual attack, that if there is anything at all that Satan might be using as an open door, that it would come to light & be dealt with. (There may not be; of course the enemy always attacks & especially those in leadership/ministry anyway).
- Protection for Katie, to guard against any insecurity developing or any root of suspicion taking hold, & to supply grace & strength for her to be a ‘helpmeet’ to you in this.
I’m also wondering if it might not be advisable for you to cut to an absolute minimum your personal interaction with this girl & her family, given your previous long-standing attachment, & especially in light of the current situation?
(If your dreams & being distracted by her still continue).
I imagine the Lord would be able to provide others equally capable of befriending / ministering to her & her husband; I would think your duty is to your wife first, & to guard your marriage.
(I don’t know how practical this would be, but I seem to recall you are not the sole minister in your church).
Anyway these are just some thoughts that came to mind, and I’m sure others will have some good counsel.
I just wanted to encourage you, and pray the Lord will provide wisdom and guidance.
This is a tough one, but it’s great that you are being so transparent.
I’m thinking that it’s not really something you should have to live with, & nor should your wife; I imagine it would be pretty hard for her as well (I assume she is aware of it).
I just want to say I have prayed for your situation, (as I’m sure others will) – and that the Lord will provide wisdom & guidance, and Godly counsel with discernment.
Some other points I prayed for:
- Since it sounds like a spiritual attack, that if there is anything at all that Satan might be using as an open door, that it would come to light & be dealt with. (There may not be; of course the enemy always attacks & especially those in leadership/ministry anyway).
- Protection for Katie, to guard against any insecurity developing or any root of suspicion taking hold, & to supply grace & strength for her to be a ‘helpmeet’ to you in this.
I’m also wondering if it might not be advisable for you to cut to an absolute minimum your personal interaction with this girl & her family, given your previous long-standing attachment, & especially in light of the current situation?
(If your dreams & being distracted by her still continue).
I imagine the Lord would be able to provide others equally capable of befriending / ministering to her & her husband; I would think your duty is to your wife first, & to guard your marriage.
(I don’t know how practical this would be, but I seem to recall you are not the sole minister in your church).
Anyway these are just some thoughts that came to mind, and I’m sure others will have some good counsel.
I just wanted to encourage you, and pray the Lord will provide wisdom and guidance.
Suzana
_________________________
If a man cannot be a Christian in the place he is, he cannot be a Christian anywhere. - Henry Ward Beecher
_________________________
If a man cannot be a Christian in the place he is, he cannot be a Christian anywhere. - Henry Ward Beecher
Re: Question about unmarried mothers
Thanks for the feedback Suzana
I actually have been trying to keep this issue to myself, as I agree it would be stressful to my wife. Since it is not an obvious thing (dreams and thoughts), I felt like it wouldn't be helpful to make her share my burden.
I do think it is a satanic attack on my holiness and ministry and I'm glad to hear you think there should be some way to overcome it. I hope you are right.
I don't want to overstate the problem either. My marriage is going very well and it has not stopped me from being a loving husband.
Just wishing I knew the way to stop the dreams and thoughts from happening! My contact with her is already at a minimum in my opinion. I very rarely speak to her directly (only in groups). But we are all close to the same age in a church where not many people are in there 20's, so it'd be pretty impossible to cut it off any more (she attends my SS class and small group, both of which my wife attends). So I'm not putting myself in any tempting situations.
Thanks so much for your prayers I'm optimistic!
I actually have been trying to keep this issue to myself, as I agree it would be stressful to my wife. Since it is not an obvious thing (dreams and thoughts), I felt like it wouldn't be helpful to make her share my burden.
I do think it is a satanic attack on my holiness and ministry and I'm glad to hear you think there should be some way to overcome it. I hope you are right.
I don't want to overstate the problem either. My marriage is going very well and it has not stopped me from being a loving husband.
Just wishing I knew the way to stop the dreams and thoughts from happening! My contact with her is already at a minimum in my opinion. I very rarely speak to her directly (only in groups). But we are all close to the same age in a church where not many people are in there 20's, so it'd be pretty impossible to cut it off any more (she attends my SS class and small group, both of which my wife attends). So I'm not putting myself in any tempting situations.
Thanks so much for your prayers
I'm optimistic!