My question is this:
As part of our child discipline, our model introduces notions of repentance, forgiveness, and restoration (following aspects of the Growing Kids God's Way program). Following "chastisement" (spanking) or other discipline, we have our child acknowledge that it was wrong for him to do X, that next time he would do Y, and ask for forgiveness. While largely "rote" this is to give them a vocabulary and instinctive approach later in life when they have wronged someone as to how to restore the relationship, etc.
The problem is, I never had a problem with this until going through the SOTM study -- at the end of the "discipline" scenario (depending on the infraction) I might go on as if nothing had happened with full restoration of the relationship -- penalty paid -- while other times I might want him to continue to feel the damage that doing wrong does to a relationship and let him know that while I forgive him, I'm not happy with him and don't really want to play, etc. -- now, I'm wondering if that is consistent with true forgiveness of the latter type and whether it might lead him to have a wrong view of forgiveness.GKGW wrote:Chapter Thirteen ~ Repentance, Forgiveness, and Restoration: One goal of the corrective side of discipline is to bring children to repentance. But how do we distinguish true repentance from regret? The Ezzos show that sin damages the fellowship aspect of a relationship. Teaching a child simply to hate sin is insufficient without his understanding that it hinders the relationship. This type of instruction begins somewhere around four years of age. The book of Judges shows the cycle of sin-repentance-forgiveness-restoration very clearly. Repentance begins with the offender. Forgiveness begins with the offended. Restoration closes the offense and buries it, restoring the relationship to its former state. When property is involved in the offense, restoration should be made as an outward sign of repentance.
There is an important emphasis on attitude. Saying “I’m sorry” expresses one’s emotion, acknowledging an unintentional mistake. However, confessing the sin and saying “Will you forgive me?” is an act of great humility that places the offender in his proper position before the one offended. Although an attitude may be correct and repentance present, consequences must still be initiated. The life of David is a clear example of consequences for sin, even in the presence of true repentance.
One very practical point when implementing chastisement is that children often do need a few minutes to recompose themselves and develop the attitude of repentance and the desire to restore. What to do after chastisement was discussed in Session Twelve. Parents must be sensitive as to how their child indicates he wishes to restore. It may range from a single hug, to helping the parent, or spending time with the parent.
Put another way, I should have already "forgiven" him (of the first type) even before the chastisement setting so use of "forgiveness" in that context seems inappropriate; and afterwards maybe I shouldn't call it forgiveness (of the second type) to imply restoration if there hasn't yet been full restoration (such as perhaps I don't believe he was truly repentant and have restored trust yet).
Any thoughts/suggestions?
Notes and questions from the lectures leading to this quandry can be seen here: http://www.duphorne.com/sotm/Week04_handout.pdf
Relevant portions of the audio are near the end of this lecture http://www.duphorne.com/sotm/Week04_audio_mercy.mp3
