Assume the issue isn't disobedience to Scripture but rather a matter of conscience.
ps. As if I have to say it
, but please use scripture.Unwilling to submit
Unwilling to submit
What does scripture tell a husband to do if he feels strongly regarding something, but his wife will not accept his decision?
Assume the issue isn't disobedience to Scripture but rather a matter of conscience.
ps. As if I have to say it , but please use scripture.
Assume the issue isn't disobedience to Scripture but rather a matter of conscience.
ps. As if I have to say it
, but please use scripture.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
This can be a very complex problem. There are many variables, and my answers would be nuanced differently in various circumstances.
Is the wife a Christian or not?
How well does she understand the biblical paradigm for family function?
Is she generally cooperative, but holding back on one issue out of fear or conscience—or is she generally resistant to all authority?
Is the disputed point one where family safety is at stake—that is, is her instinct to protect her children the thing that keeps her from cooperating?
Has the husband given the wife reason to distrust his decisions, or his commitment to looking out for her or the family's interests, in the past?
Is she "in her right mind"?
The management of a wife and home can be a very delicate and complex matter. It is easier to control children than it is to control a wife. In fact, you are obligated to control your children's behavior, but you are not, to the same degree, obligated to control your wife's behavior—because you can't ultimately make another adult obey you. "Whoever restrains [a contentious woman] restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand [i.e., it is humanly impossible]" (Prov.27:16).
The wife is commanded to submit (Eph.5:22-24/ 1 Peter 3:1-6), but the husband is not commanded to force her submission. She is a free and responsible agent before God. If a wife is uncooperative, in most cases, I would counsel the husband as follows:
1. Treat your wife with respect, even if she is not behaving in a respectable manner. You honor your wife, not because she is always honorable, but because you thereby honor God, who commands you to honor her (1 Peter 3:7). This means you treat her like an adult, not like one of the children, giving her such direction as you feel necessary, but acknowledging her free agency to choose right or wrong and her responsibility before God for her own choices.
2. Consider your wife's feelings and insecurities. Remember that she feels vulnerable to your decisions. Don't you feel more secure when you are driving than when you ride with another driver? The wife's well-being and safety are contingent upon her husband's decisions. If she sees and feels that her husband has her interests at heart, and would give up all of his agendas—and his very life—in order to protect her, then she will have more reason to feel safe in submitting to his leadership (this does not guarantee, however, that she will submit to him). On the other hand, if she perceives that her husband only cares about his own things, not hers, she will be the more tempted to look out for herself and to protect herself against her husband's agendas.
3. Avoid arguing. Arguing disrupts the peace of the home, makes the children feel insecure, and establishes an adversarial element in your relationship. Do not expect your wife to submit immediately to a plan or a suggestion that she does not understand or sympathize with. Allow her to appeal against a suggestion or to make a counter-recommendation. Seek her input without letting your ego become offended that she isn't immediately on-board with your great ideas. You may be the head, but this is a partnership. Christ is our Head, but He allows us to make our requests and listens to our complaints. In the great majority of decisions, it is more important that you please your wife (1 Cor.7:33) than that you please your friends, your children, the church, or your employer (your marriage is more important than your job!).
4. If your wife already knows what the Bible says about submission, and she is resisting anyway, then don't quote the relevant texts about a wife's submission to her. If she is in a mindset of rebellion, quoting these verses is not likely to help, and it may only embitter her toward the Word of God. It is seldom helpful to say to your wife, "You are supposed to submit to me!" I would even avoid the word "submission" when in a disagreement with a wife. To many modern women, who cut their teeth on feminist ideology, the word "submit" is like a red cape to a bull. It is (wrongfully) seen as a "harsh" word—and "a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov.15:1). Using a word like "cooperate" will probably get you farther toward a peaceful agreement.
5. If agreement cannot be reached, and you are quite sure that your course is the right one, simply proceed in the right direction, leading gently on, as Christ does (Isaiah 40:11). In all likelihood, your wife will follow, rather than break-up the marriage. If she will not follow, then you cannot force her, and are not required to do so. She will answer to God. Of course, you should never leave your wife behind unless you know for sure that it is God who is requiring it of you and it is His command that you are obeying. You should never risk family solidarity unless doing so is the inevitable consequence of obeying clear commands of God. In those tragic cases where he must choose between God and his wife (Moses apparently had to do this—Exodus 4:25; 18:2), a man really begins to understand the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:26/Matt.10:34-39; 19:29).
This is my general counsel, for garden-variety submission conflicts. However, there are more-extreme cases...
Unusual instances in which a wife's behavior may need forcibly to be brought under control, against her will, would be: a) if she is physically abusing the children, b) if she is habitually spending more money than the family has to spend, c) if she is violent and out of control, d) if she is a danger to herself, or to others...and such cases.
Obviously, there are many times when it is not the wife, but the husband that needs to be forcibly controlled because of this kind of behavior. That is a matter, first, for the church to discipline (Matt.18:15-17), and, in the extreme cases, for the police (Rom.13:4/ 1 Pet.2:13-14).
Many, in our society and the church, want to pretend that such cases of renegade wives do not exist (there are only renegade husbands). I have found that, when a man leaves his wife, he is regarded as a jerk. When a wife leaves her husband, once again, he is often regarded as the jerk—because she obviously found him to be terrible to live with! The sad fact remains that a certain percentage of wives are wildly irrational or criminally out of control, even when their husbands are kind and sympathetic. It is possible for a woman to destroy her home single-handedly, through no fault of her husband (Prov.14:1).
When a wife is engaged in such extreme behaviors as those mentioned above, a man has a very difficult task. In a society like ours, he obviously cannot restrain her or discipline her physically (unless she is running through the house wielding a butcher knife), as he can with his children. Even as a last resort in a desperate situation, if he tries to physically control his wife by force, against her will, he will probably go to jail.
Those of us who have had wives go insane know very well the dilemma the husband faces in such a case. The church may hold him responsible for his wife's behavior as much as for his children's behavior (especially if he is a minister), yet he would be excommunicated and arrested if he controlled his wife by the same forcible measures as he would be required to use with his children.
To a husband whose wife is dangerously out of control, I would give the same counsel that I give to wives with husbands out of control—remove the children from danger, do what you must to reduce the offender's ability to do harm, and, perhaps, separate until acceptable habitual behavior can be restored. However, if no adultery has occurred, I do not see any grounds for divorce in such cases (Matt.19:9).
There may be no happy ending...in this life.
Thankfully, most marriage problems are not quite so extreme, though I am hearing of such cases more and more all the time. I can not think of many trials more severe than that of a godly person having to endure perrennial marital discord, but we sometimes must simply accept the trials God sends us, and attempt to keep a clean heart before God in the matter.
I anticipate someone raising the objection: "In all your words, you neglected to say anything about the husband's need to love his wife." If someone thinks this, then I would recommend reading what I have said again. My entire counsel is related to loving your wife. I deliberately avoided using the phrase, "love your wife," because, in the context of modern Christian preaching and marriage counselling, the words may sound merely like a sappy cliche, too easily misunderstood. After all, there are many men who would protest loudly how much they love their wives, when, in fact, they merely are interested in making love to their wives. Biblical love comes down to specific relational behaviors, not just affectionate feelings.
Is the wife a Christian or not?
How well does she understand the biblical paradigm for family function?
Is she generally cooperative, but holding back on one issue out of fear or conscience—or is she generally resistant to all authority?
Is the disputed point one where family safety is at stake—that is, is her instinct to protect her children the thing that keeps her from cooperating?
Has the husband given the wife reason to distrust his decisions, or his commitment to looking out for her or the family's interests, in the past?
Is she "in her right mind"?
The management of a wife and home can be a very delicate and complex matter. It is easier to control children than it is to control a wife. In fact, you are obligated to control your children's behavior, but you are not, to the same degree, obligated to control your wife's behavior—because you can't ultimately make another adult obey you. "Whoever restrains [a contentious woman] restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand [i.e., it is humanly impossible]" (Prov.27:16).
The wife is commanded to submit (Eph.5:22-24/ 1 Peter 3:1-6), but the husband is not commanded to force her submission. She is a free and responsible agent before God. If a wife is uncooperative, in most cases, I would counsel the husband as follows:
1. Treat your wife with respect, even if she is not behaving in a respectable manner. You honor your wife, not because she is always honorable, but because you thereby honor God, who commands you to honor her (1 Peter 3:7). This means you treat her like an adult, not like one of the children, giving her such direction as you feel necessary, but acknowledging her free agency to choose right or wrong and her responsibility before God for her own choices.
2. Consider your wife's feelings and insecurities. Remember that she feels vulnerable to your decisions. Don't you feel more secure when you are driving than when you ride with another driver? The wife's well-being and safety are contingent upon her husband's decisions. If she sees and feels that her husband has her interests at heart, and would give up all of his agendas—and his very life—in order to protect her, then she will have more reason to feel safe in submitting to his leadership (this does not guarantee, however, that she will submit to him). On the other hand, if she perceives that her husband only cares about his own things, not hers, she will be the more tempted to look out for herself and to protect herself against her husband's agendas.
3. Avoid arguing. Arguing disrupts the peace of the home, makes the children feel insecure, and establishes an adversarial element in your relationship. Do not expect your wife to submit immediately to a plan or a suggestion that she does not understand or sympathize with. Allow her to appeal against a suggestion or to make a counter-recommendation. Seek her input without letting your ego become offended that she isn't immediately on-board with your great ideas. You may be the head, but this is a partnership. Christ is our Head, but He allows us to make our requests and listens to our complaints. In the great majority of decisions, it is more important that you please your wife (1 Cor.7:33) than that you please your friends, your children, the church, or your employer (your marriage is more important than your job!).
4. If your wife already knows what the Bible says about submission, and she is resisting anyway, then don't quote the relevant texts about a wife's submission to her. If she is in a mindset of rebellion, quoting these verses is not likely to help, and it may only embitter her toward the Word of God. It is seldom helpful to say to your wife, "You are supposed to submit to me!" I would even avoid the word "submission" when in a disagreement with a wife. To many modern women, who cut their teeth on feminist ideology, the word "submit" is like a red cape to a bull. It is (wrongfully) seen as a "harsh" word—and "a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov.15:1). Using a word like "cooperate" will probably get you farther toward a peaceful agreement.
5. If agreement cannot be reached, and you are quite sure that your course is the right one, simply proceed in the right direction, leading gently on, as Christ does (Isaiah 40:11). In all likelihood, your wife will follow, rather than break-up the marriage. If she will not follow, then you cannot force her, and are not required to do so. She will answer to God. Of course, you should never leave your wife behind unless you know for sure that it is God who is requiring it of you and it is His command that you are obeying. You should never risk family solidarity unless doing so is the inevitable consequence of obeying clear commands of God. In those tragic cases where he must choose between God and his wife (Moses apparently had to do this—Exodus 4:25; 18:2), a man really begins to understand the cost of discipleship (Luke 14:26/Matt.10:34-39; 19:29).
This is my general counsel, for garden-variety submission conflicts. However, there are more-extreme cases...
Unusual instances in which a wife's behavior may need forcibly to be brought under control, against her will, would be: a) if she is physically abusing the children, b) if she is habitually spending more money than the family has to spend, c) if she is violent and out of control, d) if she is a danger to herself, or to others...and such cases.
Obviously, there are many times when it is not the wife, but the husband that needs to be forcibly controlled because of this kind of behavior. That is a matter, first, for the church to discipline (Matt.18:15-17), and, in the extreme cases, for the police (Rom.13:4/ 1 Pet.2:13-14).
Many, in our society and the church, want to pretend that such cases of renegade wives do not exist (there are only renegade husbands). I have found that, when a man leaves his wife, he is regarded as a jerk. When a wife leaves her husband, once again, he is often regarded as the jerk—because she obviously found him to be terrible to live with! The sad fact remains that a certain percentage of wives are wildly irrational or criminally out of control, even when their husbands are kind and sympathetic. It is possible for a woman to destroy her home single-handedly, through no fault of her husband (Prov.14:1).
When a wife is engaged in such extreme behaviors as those mentioned above, a man has a very difficult task. In a society like ours, he obviously cannot restrain her or discipline her physically (unless she is running through the house wielding a butcher knife), as he can with his children. Even as a last resort in a desperate situation, if he tries to physically control his wife by force, against her will, he will probably go to jail.
Those of us who have had wives go insane know very well the dilemma the husband faces in such a case. The church may hold him responsible for his wife's behavior as much as for his children's behavior (especially if he is a minister), yet he would be excommunicated and arrested if he controlled his wife by the same forcible measures as he would be required to use with his children.
To a husband whose wife is dangerously out of control, I would give the same counsel that I give to wives with husbands out of control—remove the children from danger, do what you must to reduce the offender's ability to do harm, and, perhaps, separate until acceptable habitual behavior can be restored. However, if no adultery has occurred, I do not see any grounds for divorce in such cases (Matt.19:9).
There may be no happy ending...in this life.
Thankfully, most marriage problems are not quite so extreme, though I am hearing of such cases more and more all the time. I can not think of many trials more severe than that of a godly person having to endure perrennial marital discord, but we sometimes must simply accept the trials God sends us, and attempt to keep a clean heart before God in the matter.
I anticipate someone raising the objection: "In all your words, you neglected to say anything about the husband's need to love his wife." If someone thinks this, then I would recommend reading what I have said again. My entire counsel is related to loving your wife. I deliberately avoided using the phrase, "love your wife," because, in the context of modern Christian preaching and marriage counselling, the words may sound merely like a sappy cliche, too easily misunderstood. After all, there are many men who would protest loudly how much they love their wives, when, in fact, they merely are interested in making love to their wives. Biblical love comes down to specific relational behaviors, not just affectionate feelings.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
In Jesus,
Steve
Steve
wife in submission
I wanted to add, being married for many years I would have loved to be treated as well as Steve expounds here. Yet, as a Christian woman I learned to submit and serve anyways and we grew well together even though rocky at times.
So I would think even if you got close to this your wife or someone elses would be very willing to submit unless they were clearly not saved, emotionally irrational or shown distrust consistantly through the husband.
Just my thoughts....Glow
So I would think even if you got close to this your wife or someone elses would be very willing to submit unless they were clearly not saved, emotionally irrational or shown distrust consistantly through the husband.
Just my thoughts....Glow
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason: