Hi Steve -
I've got another question for you - (I sure appreciate the way you make yourself available to people who need some answers!!!)
The other day I tried to talk to a sister after church and realized that she was really upset (crying) and I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't talk about it because doing so would be disloyal to her children - evidently she was having some problem with them - And I started thinking about the way I talk about everything that's going on with me and my loved ones to anyone who expresses an interest, and now I'm wondering if being an "open book" the way I am is wrong or disloyal - What do you think?
In the years I have known you, I have asked your counsel about problems I had with my husband. Was this inappropriate?
It would be pretty hard for me to edit everything I say - I'm so prone to being totally honest all the time. I have tried to learn TACT, but still I'm wondering if it's wrong to be so open about everything in my life. At times I think it's made people uncomfortable with me because I'm afraid I tell them way more than they really want to know!
On speaking to others about problems in the family
On speaking to others about problems in the family
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
To some degree, I confess, I have the same problem that you do, in that I prefer to just say whatever comes to my mind, assuming that everyone will be interested, and that no one I am speaking about would consider it a betrayal. I have been wrong in these assumptions, more than once.
My wife and children had trouble with the fact that I would sometimes relate stories of our family life (stories which I regarded as innocuous) as illustrations of some point I was teaching about. I am not aware of ever having said anything truly negative about any of them, but they did not appreciate having their private lives on display.
The Bible says, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back" (Prov.29:11). That's the New King James rendering. The King James says, "The fool uttereth all his mind." It also says, "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise" (Prov.10:19). A certain bluntness can be entertaining or even charming, at times. However, in open conversation, you must always be mindful of the need to guard the privacy of others.
Back when I was about twenty, I was heading up a Christian community house in Orange County. On one occasion, one of the residents was openly discussing a failure in his life that had occurred earlier that week. It was not a scandalous failure, and he was telling everyone about it in the kitchen just before I was to teach a Bible study in the house. In the course of the teaching, I found the situation this brother had been talking about to be an apt illustration of some biblical point I was teaching, and I mentioned it as an example. Later, he came to me privately and said, "In the future, if you want to illustrate a point, use your own sins, not mine!" That stung. Since almost everyone at the study had been within earshot when he himself was earlier speaking about the matter, in the kitchen, I had had no idea that I was betraying a confidence. I have tried to be more sensitive about such things since then.
Frankly, I have not felt that what you have written to me about your husband has been gossip—but it is a hard line to define. Gossip can be defined as talking about someone's problems or sins, who is not there, in a forum where the listener is neither a part of the problem, nor a part of the solution. The things you have told me about your husband could possibly be considered the seeking of counsel, which would mean that you were viewing me, as a minister/friend, and potentially part of the solution. This would probably not qualify as gossip. But there is a fine line wnen a married woman is talking to a man about problems in the marriage. This can definitely be very unwise.
Though you may be ever so innocent in seeking counsel, you must take your husband's feelings into consdieration. I remember thinking, when my wife and I were having troubles, that I wished that she would talk to me and not to everyone else about her complaints. I felt particularly insecure about her talking to other men about her problems with me, because she was a beautiful woman and I know the motions of a man's heart. My concerns proved not to be unfounded.
I have heard it wisely said to men, "If you are approached by a married woman (at work, church, etc.) who wants to talk to you about her problems, you must avoid such conversations—especially if she wants to talk about the problems she is having in her marriage." This is because a woman often feels that her husband doesn't listen to her (which is often not a correct perception, but it feels true to her), and she will often be strongly attracted to a man who will simply listen to her and who seems to understand and care about what she is feeling. This is usually where affairs arise—first, as affairs of the heart, and, too often, sexual affairs follow.
For this reason, it would be a very good idea for you not to talk about your husband's sins or failures to anybody except him, or in a counseling context (preferably with both of you together).
If you talk to enough women about your problems with your husband, even in the church, you will often get sympathetic responses that encourage you to see yourself as a victim in the marriage, and will feed your discontentment.
On the other hand, if you talk with men about these problems, you will risk arousing a sympathy that can endanger the loyalty of your heart to your husband. "Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life" (Prov.4:23).
In general, it would be a good policy to "talk-up" your husband in your conversations with others, affirming as often as you can in natural conversation how much you and he love each other, and omitting any specific reference to whatever challenges you and your husband are facing. This will communicate to all around you that your relationship with him is secure and permanent.
Talking him down, even without malice, can give male listeners the impression that you may be coming up as an available item someday. This is not a good thing for men to be thinking about you. They may start circling your marriage like wolves waiting for their prey to falter. This is what happened to my first marriage.
Any mention of your husband's faults should be made, first, and very kindly, to him alone. If problems become very serious, and you believe he is not interested in talking about them or solving them, then a strictly "clinical" counseling setting (preferably with him present as well) would be the safest approach to take.
My wife and children had trouble with the fact that I would sometimes relate stories of our family life (stories which I regarded as innocuous) as illustrations of some point I was teaching about. I am not aware of ever having said anything truly negative about any of them, but they did not appreciate having their private lives on display.
The Bible says, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back" (Prov.29:11). That's the New King James rendering. The King James says, "The fool uttereth all his mind." It also says, "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise" (Prov.10:19). A certain bluntness can be entertaining or even charming, at times. However, in open conversation, you must always be mindful of the need to guard the privacy of others.
Back when I was about twenty, I was heading up a Christian community house in Orange County. On one occasion, one of the residents was openly discussing a failure in his life that had occurred earlier that week. It was not a scandalous failure, and he was telling everyone about it in the kitchen just before I was to teach a Bible study in the house. In the course of the teaching, I found the situation this brother had been talking about to be an apt illustration of some biblical point I was teaching, and I mentioned it as an example. Later, he came to me privately and said, "In the future, if you want to illustrate a point, use your own sins, not mine!" That stung. Since almost everyone at the study had been within earshot when he himself was earlier speaking about the matter, in the kitchen, I had had no idea that I was betraying a confidence. I have tried to be more sensitive about such things since then.
Frankly, I have not felt that what you have written to me about your husband has been gossip—but it is a hard line to define. Gossip can be defined as talking about someone's problems or sins, who is not there, in a forum where the listener is neither a part of the problem, nor a part of the solution. The things you have told me about your husband could possibly be considered the seeking of counsel, which would mean that you were viewing me, as a minister/friend, and potentially part of the solution. This would probably not qualify as gossip. But there is a fine line wnen a married woman is talking to a man about problems in the marriage. This can definitely be very unwise.
Though you may be ever so innocent in seeking counsel, you must take your husband's feelings into consdieration. I remember thinking, when my wife and I were having troubles, that I wished that she would talk to me and not to everyone else about her complaints. I felt particularly insecure about her talking to other men about her problems with me, because she was a beautiful woman and I know the motions of a man's heart. My concerns proved not to be unfounded.
I have heard it wisely said to men, "If you are approached by a married woman (at work, church, etc.) who wants to talk to you about her problems, you must avoid such conversations—especially if she wants to talk about the problems she is having in her marriage." This is because a woman often feels that her husband doesn't listen to her (which is often not a correct perception, but it feels true to her), and she will often be strongly attracted to a man who will simply listen to her and who seems to understand and care about what she is feeling. This is usually where affairs arise—first, as affairs of the heart, and, too often, sexual affairs follow.
For this reason, it would be a very good idea for you not to talk about your husband's sins or failures to anybody except him, or in a counseling context (preferably with both of you together).
If you talk to enough women about your problems with your husband, even in the church, you will often get sympathetic responses that encourage you to see yourself as a victim in the marriage, and will feed your discontentment.
On the other hand, if you talk with men about these problems, you will risk arousing a sympathy that can endanger the loyalty of your heart to your husband. "Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life" (Prov.4:23).
In general, it would be a good policy to "talk-up" your husband in your conversations with others, affirming as often as you can in natural conversation how much you and he love each other, and omitting any specific reference to whatever challenges you and your husband are facing. This will communicate to all around you that your relationship with him is secure and permanent.
Talking him down, even without malice, can give male listeners the impression that you may be coming up as an available item someday. This is not a good thing for men to be thinking about you. They may start circling your marriage like wolves waiting for their prey to falter. This is what happened to my first marriage.
Any mention of your husband's faults should be made, first, and very kindly, to him alone. If problems become very serious, and you believe he is not interested in talking about them or solving them, then a strictly "clinical" counseling setting (preferably with him present as well) would be the safest approach to take.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
In Jesus,
Steve
Steve
On speaking to others about problems in family
I also believe it is a good idea to find another couple who can be a trusted
christan friend to discuss marriage issues/problems with in hopes of reconciliation. This couple should be dedicated to the LORD, mature
and a good listener as well as being open and honest. I personally like the idea of a couple to counsel a couple so both male and female
can participate.
Moe
christan friend to discuss marriage issues/problems with in hopes of reconciliation. This couple should be dedicated to the LORD, mature
and a good listener as well as being open and honest. I personally like the idea of a couple to counsel a couple so both male and female
can participate.
Moe
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
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_Thomasine
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2005 10:20 am
on speaking to others on problems in the family
On speaking to others about problems in the family
Many years ago my when unbelieving husband lived openly with another woman the Lord showed me to spend time with Him in a life of thanksgiving and praise instead of looking at other people’s sin. I had enough of my own sin. That helped to shut my mouth.
I was blessed with a counselor who, every time I called her in my agony, she could pinpoint for me where I was in the wrong spirit. She saved me a lifetime in the penitentiary, so you can know it was more than a skinned knee I was dealing with.
Every Sunday at the church I attended, there would always be a crying woman surrounded with sympathizers. Our Lord told us we would have to account for every idle word we speak. I suspect that many idle words were spoken in these ‘fests’.
I found that sympathy killed my ability to hear from God and a many women tried to take my side against my husband but I was not against him and I had to shut them down. Sometimes I appeared rude to them. Was Jesus rude in the Temple when He overturned the tables?
We have to make hard decisions and be ruthless with ourselves – it is part of the narrow way.
Many years ago my when unbelieving husband lived openly with another woman the Lord showed me to spend time with Him in a life of thanksgiving and praise instead of looking at other people’s sin. I had enough of my own sin. That helped to shut my mouth.
I was blessed with a counselor who, every time I called her in my agony, she could pinpoint for me where I was in the wrong spirit. She saved me a lifetime in the penitentiary, so you can know it was more than a skinned knee I was dealing with.
Every Sunday at the church I attended, there would always be a crying woman surrounded with sympathizers. Our Lord told us we would have to account for every idle word we speak. I suspect that many idle words were spoken in these ‘fests’.
I found that sympathy killed my ability to hear from God and a many women tried to take my side against my husband but I was not against him and I had to shut them down. Sometimes I appeared rude to them. Was Jesus rude in the Temple when He overturned the tables?
We have to make hard decisions and be ruthless with ourselves – it is part of the narrow way.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
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_Anonymous
- Posts: 0
- Joined: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:03 pm
Thank you Thomasine for your honest yet kind reply.
I am learning much that same lesson and before
had a hard time staying on track with the Lord, sin separates us
and gossip is sin.... I have discussed family issues with people
and now have one close friend in whom I can share with........
I believe we need to talk and pray with someone.
I am learning much that same lesson and before
had a hard time staying on track with the Lord, sin separates us
and gossip is sin.... I have discussed family issues with people
and now have one close friend in whom I can share with........
I believe we need to talk and pray with someone.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason: