Question about unmarried mothers

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_mattrose
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Question about unmarried mothers

Post by _mattrose » Mon Aug 07, 2006 2:44 pm

For 6 years I have had love in my heart for a young woman at our church. But during those 6 years she had a child outside of marriage. She is no longer involved romantically with the father of the child.

I find myself with mixed emotions.
Should I be praying that they get back together and get married?
Should I just stay completely out of it?
Is it inappropriate for me, Scripturally, to seek out this girl as a potential wife?

Any counsel on this matter would be appreciated.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'

I agree with the second part (se7en)

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_Benjamin Ho
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Post by _Benjamin Ho » Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:27 am

Dear Matt,

In the culture I live in, this sin of fornication made publicly obvious by having a child out of marriage would not be condoned by the community at large, and even more so, if it is committed by someone who is a professing religious person. In such a case, Paul's words in 1 Cor 5:1-5 and 2 Cor 2:5-8 would come to mind. I suspect this sin is viewed much differently in America today. Still I think it would be important that she repents of her sin of fornication, and if she does not, your church needs to step in actively to manage this matter (which they should have when she appeared obviously pregnant at church). I do respect the fact that she did not take the easier route of abortion, and probably your church played a role in this.

I would follow the general advice that Steve Gregg gives about divorce and remarriage. Obviously if she has not repented, marrying her would be out of the question as it would be no different from marrying a non-believer. If the father of the child has remained unmarried, you should do as you suggested, i.e. pray that they get back together and get married. 1 Cor 6:16 suggests that they are one flesh even if they are not legally married.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
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Grace and peace,
Benjamin Ho

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_mattrose
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Post by _mattrose » Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:30 pm

Thanks for your reply Benjamin

I must admit, I'm still having a hard time grasping God's truth on this matter.

In our age where people (like this girl) simply think of themselves as Christians b/c their parents are or b/c they attend a church, but never actually make a committment to Christ....I find it hard to believe that God would rather this girl (now repentant) marry a guy that is not even interested in Christianity. Of course, the guy doesn't want to marry her and I know that comes into play too.

I guess my question is, if I talk to her and discern that she is truly repentant and committed to pursuing Christ, and this guy isn't a Christian and doesn't want to marry her, is she 'available' for me?
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'

I agree with the second part (se7en)

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_TK
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Post by _TK » Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:38 pm

hi matt--

do you know if the child's father is paying child support? i have a reason for asking... thx!

TK
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
"Were not our hearts burning within us? (Lk 24:32)

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_mattrose
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Post by _mattrose » Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:49 pm

I have not asked. Knowing both of them and the situation, I'm almost certain he's not.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'

I agree with the second part (se7en)

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_TK
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Location: Northeast Ohio

Post by _TK » Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:07 pm

the reason i asked about the child support is that i, personally, would have difficulty marrying a woman who is receiving child support, because the child support, as we all know, does not go 100% to the children and i would not want to be "supported" indirectly by another man's child support payments. others may feel differently.

your dilemma is a difficult one. if the father has abandoned her and is not a christian, and if she is a christian and is repentant, then i would think that you would not be wrong to pursue a relationship. a lot of steve's teaching on the subject (e.g. his topical article on divorce and remarriage) would not seem to apply because they were never married. of course i may be entirely wrong about this. i wish that he would weigh in on this subject.

Prov. 3:5-6 is probably worth taking to heart. i assume that you have approached God with this matter!

TK
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
"Were not our hearts burning within us? (Lk 24:32)

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_mattrose
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Post by _mattrose » Mon Aug 21, 2006 2:36 pm

TK

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with you about child support. If I did end up pursuing this and marrying this girl. I'd definitely want to adopt the child. From what I understand, this guy won't put up much of a fight.

I read steve's article. It was very good. But I agree it is hard to know regarding this situation in particular what is best.

I have prayed about this issue and sought counself from Christians I respect. The general theme I seem to be getting is that it would be ok to pursue her if she is genuinely repentant and genuinely single. But I wanted to hear more opinions before I make any decision. No need for me to rush.

God bless,
matthew
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'

I agree with the second part (se7en)

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_Steve
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Post by _Steve » Mon Aug 21, 2006 3:31 pm

Hi Matt,

I received your email about this some time ago, just as I was preparing to leave for a weekend away from home. I intended to get back to you, but it receded to another page of my inbox before I got around to it, and other things took priority. I assumed, also, that you were probably getting other counsel, similar to any I would give you, from other godly men in your circle. I will, however, provide here a summary of my thoughts about the case.

Since the child's father is not a Christian, and is unwilling to marry the girl, it would seem that she is elligible to marry someone else (e.g., you). This would seem to be true, even if she and the man had been married, since he is an unbeliever who is not "content to dwell with her."

The situation is not very different from the way Mary's situation would have been viewed by society when she was found to be pregnant and unmarried. Joseph, in contemplating putting her away was well within his rights, and his decision to marry her nonetheless may have been viewed as foolish by others in the community, but for Joseph to marry her, who was thought to be pregnant with the child of another, would not have been regarded as immoral. Likewise, if you marry this girl, you will not be doing anything forbidden by scripture, but it may be looked upon as foolish or even scandalous by many in the religious community.

I see no reason why anyone could forbid you to court this girl, though I would be concerned to know (if I were you) whether the sin that caused the pregnancy had been an isolated case or a habitual practice. In either case, repentance would bring the same grace, but the answer to that question could reflect upon her character and moral strength—two very important concerns in choosing a mate. Marrying a woman who would become a troublesome wife or even who might desert the marriage through moral weakness would prove to be especially disruptive to a man whose career is in ministry (more than, say, for a man who is a contractor or an accountant). You can trust me on that one.

You were in love with this woman before her moral failure. I expect, at that time, you viewed her as morally your equal. Has her subsequent moral failure changed your view on this? I do not say that it must, since young people who are Christians (or who are simply raised in Christian homes) have often been known to succumb to temptation, and the woman who gets pregnant on a one-night-stand is no more guilty than the woman who falls into the same act but escapes without conception. The real question is, how deep is her repentance, and how sincere is her present commitment to Christ?

Other questions to consider are: do you (or can you) love her child as much as you love this woman? and can you love this child as much as any children that you and she may have together? This means that any inconvenience, expense and interruptions the child may present to your privacy and intimacy with the woman in courtship and in marriage must be welcomed by you out of compassion for the needs of the child, as would be the case if it were your own. The child needs a father who will not discriminate against it for being born out of wedlock. Are you capable of being that father?

If the answers to these questions are positive, then your looking at her as a potential wife is not necessarily out-of-line. I know a number of very godly, mature Christians who, in their youth, fell into such sins, and some of them have children born out of wedlock as a result. Their present Christian walk does not seem to be permanently impaired by their earlier indiscretions.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
In Jesus,
Steve

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_mattrose
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Post by _mattrose » Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:12 pm

Thanks for getting back to me on this Steve :)

You're counsel is extremely similar to the other counsel I have received on this matter (although each of you has added a few extra points to think about as well!). I am thankful for the general unity of the counsel I have received.

I believe the next step for me is to discern more closely this girl's spiritual condition and to determine whether her past sins were isolated or habitual. I can't say that I currently view her as a moral equal, but I feel like all I need to know is whether she genuinely repentant and genuinely is seeking right relationship with God now.

Once these things are determined, if I decide to proceed, I am sure some people will view my decision as unwise. I'm prepared for that and prepared for the other aspects of this relationship that you mentioned.

Thanks very much for your counsel. Glad the forum is back up!

In Christ,
matthew
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Hemingway once said: 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for'

I agree with the second part (se7en)

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_Homer
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Post by _Homer » Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:52 pm

Good advice to be cautious, but it seems you knew that. I see no biblical reason for you not to date and marry her.

My concern would be more with other people and how they treat her. She seems like one of the people Jesus would have been comfortable "hanging out" with. If she is genuinely repentant, she is no doubt "morally superior" to any of those who may talk (read gossip) about her (and you if you date her). If she is a child of the King, she can't have any higer status than that, no matter her past.

I know a Christian who battles alcohol. He falls off "the narrow path" occasionally and repents with bitter tears. I encourage him to get back on the path again. He does, then occasionally stumbles and repents again. I in no way feel morally superior to him, "for we all stumble in many ways".

Jesus taught us to forgive "seventy times seven". We are not better than God; we can be sure He exceeds this standard. We have long recall of the more notorious sin(s) people commit while commiting sins just as bad that go unnoticed.
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
A Berean

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